As a college student, I’ve started to notice something strange about the way people talk about relationships and community online. Everywhere on social media, there seems to be constant advice about “protecting your peace,” “cutting people off,” and setting strict boundaries. At first, I thought this was a really positive shift. Learning to say no and recognizing unhealthy relationships is important, especially for young women who have historically been expected to accommodate everyone else’s needs. But lately I’ve begun to wonder if the way we talk about boundaries online is starting to affect how we relate to people in real life (and not always for the better).
What I see online often frames relationships as something that should only exist if they feel easy and completely comfortable all the time. If someone annoys you, drains your energy, or disagrees with you, the advice is often to distance yourself immediately. While this can be helpful in genuinely harmful situations, I’ve noticed that the message can also encourage people to avoid normal difficulties that come with being part of a community. Real relationships (friendships, clubs, teams, even casual acquaintances) sometimes involve awkward moments, misunderstandings, and effort. When we are constantly told to prioritise our comfort above everything else, it becomes easier to withdraw rather than work through those moments.
I’ve started to feel the effects of this mindset on campus. People sometimes seem hesitant to join groups or invest in new friendships unless they know it will be perfectly aligned with their interests or personalities from the start. There is a sense that if something feels slightly uncomfortable or unfamiliar, it might be better to step back rather than lean in. But the truth is that some of the best friendships and experiences grow from situations that initially feel uncertain. Joining a club where you don’t know anyone yet, starting a conversation with someone new, or trying an activity you’ve never done before can be intimidating, but it’s also how communities are built.
What worries me is that social media can unintentionally make isolation feel like self-care. The language of boundaries can sometimes shift from protecting ourselves to protecting ourselves from people altogether. If we take that mindset too far, we risk losing something really valuable: the ability to build messy, imperfect, supportive communities with people who are different from us.
For me, college has shown how important it is to actively seek out spaces where people share their interests. Whether it’s a sports club, a volunteer group, a society related to your major, or even just a casual hobby group, these spaces make it easier to connect with others who care about the same things. When you’re doing something you genuinely enjoy, conversations happen more naturally and friendships grow more organically.
I don’t think the solution is to stop setting boundaries entirely. Boundaries can be healthy and necessary. But I do think we should be careful about letting social media define all of our relationships through that lens. Community requires patience, openness, and sometimes a willingness to be a little uncomfortable.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a student, it’s that the moments when you step outside your comfort zone (joining a group, talking to someone new, showing up somewhere you’re not sure you belong yet) are often the moments that lead to the most meaningful connections. In a world where we’re constantly encouraged to withdraw and protect our energy, maybe what we really need is to remember how to reach out instead.