“I knew from the moment you opened your mouth, without a trace of an apology on your tongue, that the following moments would be wasted gaps in time […] which I silently urged you to hurry along.”
Context: I had told an ex-friend of mine some personal information about my life. You know, things you tell people close to you, in private, with a certain expectation that the information you exchange remains just that way; private. Yet, weeks later I hear that in the heat of a text message conversation with me he’d blurted it out to a group of people. And if that weren’t enough, he’d done so in such a matter as to support his argument.
Now being who I am, someone with little to no patience for nonsense to begin with, I would have been more than okay severing all communications with this fellow. But being a person of color on a predominately white campus means that the simple luxury of cutting people off is one you cannot do without a bit of hesitance. Simply put, Davidson, and thus the black community, is too small for complete autonomy. Sharing many common spaces at Davidson and black culture often results in sharing similar conflicts; requiring other people’s help in order to resolve them. Therefore, I insisted we sit down and discuss the future of our friendship for the sake of our academic and intellectual careers.
Needless to say, it didn’t go well.
The conversation left me with a certain imbalance, I felt I’d been done wrong because my feelings were further disregarded. So, I wrote him a letter. Unlike our conversation, the letter wasn’t quaint, and didn’t leave a continued relationship up for grabs. Mostly because by the end of the process I realized that despite my kinder tendencies, I really couldn’t afford such a friendship. So to those who would wisely state, “you don’t want to be out here burning bridges,” I say “true,” but this bridge was more like the bridge to Terabithia; that thing was bound to go down.
Finally, I share this not to attack anyone but because I am not the only girl who’s gone through something similar and needs a way to reach peace again. Additionally how you go about this, whether through a letter or otherwise, is completely up to you. I simply want to offer what helped me. So below are the five steps to putting the deuces up on someone.
1. Reclaim ownership of your story.
“Remove my personal history from your mouth entirely […] My life is not up for debate. My life is not your personal story. My life is not for your usage.”
It goes without saying there’s power in words, in your voice, and in your story. Allowing anyone to get away with using it without your consent would be like letting someone get away with you. So much can be presumed in your silence that is not true, so speak up and take your story back!
2. Set the facts straight.
“I have never, nor do I currently require, want, desire, or need your supposed mentorship.”
Your perspective matters, and facing a competing narrative head-on can be just what it takes to set the facts straight. You don’t want anyone who has done you wrong to walk around thinking they’ve helped you in some beneficial way, nor do you want them thinking you would want them to continue. The fact of the matter is, you were good before you met them, and you’ll continue to be good without them.
3. Be frank.
“My critical black feminist analysis of this interaction is this: You do not know who you are, and in your attempt to find some identity you perform a variant of roles in black masculinity. In every sense, this limits you. At best, this will be only a part of your intellectual journey and journey for self-identity. At worst, you will unintentionally affect those around you in a negative way. This means you will hold little true ability to control your fate, yet all the while you will stand in the middle of it perplexed.”
Mmm, I’m just going to leave this right here…
4. Put yourself first
“[…]your maturity relies on black women to teach you otherwise. But I will not have your growth come at the expense of myself.”
Sets a standard by which you will live by. In today’s digital age, we simply forget the power that taking time to write or even type up a letter may have. Writing a letter is a process that requires you to sit down and think critically about your own feelings. That type of experience brings about a heightened sense of self-awareness. If done honestly, written words may serve as a method of defining your own truth.
5. Move on, with none of their baggage in tow.
“I am not just mad, just angry. I am beyond that; I am absolved.”
Be free! With their baggage off your chest and a deeper understanding of yourself, you can walk away. I swear the sun will shine brighter, your skin will look better, and you’ll feel good. So go on girl!
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