Whether you suspect your relationship with a friend or SO is toxic, or just want to know what to watch out for, hopefully this guide will be of use. While this list is by no means exhaustive, it is meant to provide examples of some of the most common behaviors one might face when dealing with toxic people. If you are experiencing any of these, you might want to seriously reflect on your relationship.
1) They only want to talk about themselves
Ever been in a one-sided conversation with someone where they just sit there and talk about themselves and don’t listen when you try to add in? If that’s happening more often than not, you might want to reevaluate your friendship/relationship. Test this by asking them a simple question, like what classes they’re taking next semester. If they go on and on about their new schedules but don’t then follow up by asking you about your schedule, then you know something’s off. A good friend or SO wants to hear about you and your life, and won’t exploit your time rambling on about themselves or asking for advice without lending an ear also.
2) They’re not supportive
It’s normal (and healthy) for loved ones to question you when you’re potentially on the track to making bad choices. When they don’t support your good decisions though, you might need to distance yourself from them. If they think your passions and hobbies are dumb, or your major or career path is stupid, dump them. If they truly love you, they’ll encourage you in all you do.
3) They constantly belittle you (and others)
We all know that person who calls everything a dumpster fire, or claims they “literally hate everyone”. While this can be humorous in the right context, it definitely shouldn’t be something that happens often. If someone you consider a friend or SO says things that question your intelligence, accomplishments, work-ethic, etc, that’s not right. If they act high and mighty like they’re the standard everyone should strive for, run for the hills. Even if they only act this way towards others, it’s still not a good sign. Real relationships are built on mutual affection and affirmation.
Sometimes (especially in relationships) these toxic qualities can morph or progress into actual emotional or physical abuse. If you experience any of these warning signs, please seek help or guidance as soon as you can.
1) They guilt you into doing things you don’t want to do
Take an extreme example: sex. If someone gets pissed when you refuse to sleep with them, calls you immature, or tries to play off having sex as something that’s not a big deal, end things right there. Manipulated, coerced, or begrudging “fine, let’s just do it then” consent is not true consent.
Whether it’s sex, drinking, or something as petty as getting dinner, you should not be made to feel guilty or wrong for your decisions. This is a form of abuse.
2) ‘Gaslighting’
The Office on Women’s Health defines gaslighting as “when an abuser makes you feel like you are losing your mind or memory”. The person you’re in a relationship with may tell you that you’re being overly dramatic or emotional when something happens between you two, or they may deny altogether that it happened. They use this to assert power and control over you and others, making you more likely to stay friends or boyfriend/girlfriend with them.
3) They use intimidation
If someone ever tells you they’ll kill themselves if you leave them or if you don’t do something, do not stay with them. You can try to find them help and resources, but do not subject yourself to intimidation. If someone makes you feel unsafe or constantly anxious, put some distance between you two, or call the police if the situation warrants it.
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