When I first read The Death of Ivan Illyich, I was a first-year student still deciding if Dalhousie and Halifax were the right place for me. I came into university with a list full of expectations: I wanted a good roommate. I wanted lots of good friends. I wanted to go out every weekend, multiple days in a row. I wanted to meet my soulmate on the first day of orientation. The list goes on and on. It sounded great; in fact, it sounded perfect. So, when I arrived at school and the boxes on the list remained unchecked, I started to doubt myself and my choices. I did have a good roommate, so I was happy about that. I had friends, but best friends? I didn’t think so. Not only did I not go out multiple days a week, but I didn’t go out every weekend. And the icing on the cake, I was nowhere near meeting my soulmate.
It is safe to say that I was disappointed. I was disappointed in myself, my decisions, my school, the people around me. How could this thing, that everyone said was supposed to be the best time of my life, be so mediocre? How come other people seemed to be having so much fun? Why was my Instagram feed filled with people who loved their universities, when I couldn’t love mine? I was stuck in a spiral of thoughts that offered no help to my situation. And so I thought: why not fake it till I make it? Why don’t I try to do and be what everyone else is? Really, the one thing I wanted was to fit in. To be part of the experience that all of my family and friends had told me about for so many years.
So I did. I forced myself to go out even when I didn’t want to. Became friends with people I didn’t like. Posted constantly on Instagram. Agreed with my peers who claimed that this year was like no other. Told relatives when I came home for Thanksgiving that I loved my school, even though love was the opposite of what I was feeling. I hated the fact that I had to pretend. Because the reality is that it was really hard. I am not good at change. I missed my friends from home. I missed my family. I even missed high school, which I never thought was possible. This was not the university experience I planned for.
This is where Tolstoy comes in. The Death of Ivan Illyich was the first and only Tolstoy book I’ve ever read. It is short, around 50 pages, but each page is instrumental to the story and its value. The book is about an older aristocratic man, Ivan Ilyich, who is dying. But by coming to terms with his death, he realizes how much of his life was a performance of meeting societal standards and ignoring his own. He realizes the importance of authenticity and how he lacked it in his own life. As a result, he feels like his connections are completely shallow, along with his entire life experience.
Now, obviously, it is an incredibly sad book that deals with heavy themes, but I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. There is such pressure at every age to be the norm, to fit in, to speak and dress in a certain way. Meanwhile, all of these pressures interfere with our ability to embrace individuality, disabling us from living a truly authentic and meaningful life. At university, I was trying so hard to have a ‘normal’ university experience that I ignored all the parts that were great, but not on my checklist.
I ignored how lucky I was to move away from home, to a really beautiful, unique city. I ignored how I was forming the deep friendships that I desired, instead of partying every weekend. I ignored how I was focused on things that helped me adjust better to this new life, instead of meeting my soulmate. While I didn’t have the picture-perfect first-year experience, I learned to be more okay with myself and what accompanied that.
I’m in my third year now, and I am proud to say that my university experience has been both the best and worst time of my life. I am so glad I stuck it out, and mentally discarded the unnecessary checklist that I made two years ago. My university experience has not been what I expected, but it has been what I’ve needed. By ignoring norms and Instagram feeds, I’ve been able to create a life that is tailored to who I am, and I’ve become happier and more fulfilled as a result. So my biggest advice to first-years, or anyone who’s having a hard time at university, is to listen to Ivan Ilyich’s life of adhering to others’ expectations, and do the opposite.