This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Dalhousie chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

“Tis a far, far better thing, doing stuff for other people”(Clueless, 1995)- words from the great Cher Horwitz (whose words I repeat regularly), borrowed from Charles Dickens (whose words I am far less familiar with). Several weeks ago, while getting ready to go to my friend Bella’s play, these words struck a particular chord with me. It was around 5 pm on a rather unrelaxing Friday, and I had just gotten home from spending the day in the library working on an assignment. I was exhausted. All I wanted was to relax, eat supper, and lie in my bed endlessly scrolling on TikTok. As I turned the shower on, I hovered my thumb over the messages app to tell her I was sorry I couldn’t make it tonight. I was sick, I had an assignment to finish, I had a headache, or whatever excuse I could think of to avoid leaving the comfort of my home. The last thing I felt like doing was going out, or putting makeup on, and I certainly didn’t feel like sitting in a dark room full of people with my phone turned off. And you know what? I deserved a night of doing nothing. My productive day had earned me an early night, wrapped up tight under the covers with my phone.

There exists a hidden danger in these antisocial thoughts, and if you let them, they have the power to control your life. It would’ve been so easy to find an excuse to stay in. Besides a bit of FOMO, there are no real short-term consequences to choosing not to go out. But as much as I wanted to stay in, I also wanted to show up for my friend, and when I thought about my friend who was performing, I knew she would show up for me (and has, on multiple occasions). When I really removed my own mental fatigue from the equation, I was actually quite excited to see her perform. I knew it didn’t make sense- why would I miss her play over being a little tired?

After some reflection, I decided I was going to go, and I am thankful I did. Seeing her perform was lovely- I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and laughed a lot. I got to watch a wonderful play and loved seeing my talented friend up on a big stage where she belongs. When I got home that night, I felt so full of love and gratitude; feelings that would never have surfaced had I stayed at home. I found myself asking why I wanted to stay in so badly in the first place. Why was I so easily convinced that I should skip plans and stay home?

Dr. Stephen Rush, an academic psychiatrist at the University of Cincinnati, may have some valuable insight: he suggests that the Global Pandemic has had long lasting effects on our social interactions, proposing that Covid-19 has generated a “subconscious message that ‘being alone is safe,’” and that opting to stay home “protects [you] from these things that are scary and out of [your] control” (UC Health 2024). Despite six years passing since The Pandemic began, Dr. Rush suggests that self-imposed loneliness has “become a habit that is really hard to break.” (UC Health 2024). I’ve noticed just how normal these habits have become both in my own life and the lives of those around me. It’s become an unconscious reflex to double-check if I’m saying no to plans for good reason, or because of the initial discomfort in the thought of leaving my home.

Exacerbating these antisocial habits was the “self-care” craze that followed post-COVID. This particular definition of self care is its own, and bares no similarities to Audre Lorde’s (If you want to read more about this concept here is the link to a Refinery29 article I found particularly informative and highly recommend: Reclaiming Audre Lorde’s Radical Self-Care); rather, this new definition is merely a commodified “wellness” routine that markets itself under the guise of “self-care”. Regardless of my lack of academic credibility, I can say with great clarity that staying home all day is not self-care. Blowing off your friends for your bedtime routine is not self-care. Spending all your free time on your phone is not self-care. Overconsuming and carelessly spending money on wellness products just to isolate yourself at home with a 12-step beauty routine is not self-care. These are all things I’ve come to learn first-hand- I have the candles, serums, and the collection of water bottles to prove it. True self-care is about taking care of your mental and physical wellbeing: It’s a walk in the park with my friend on a random Tuesday. It’s calling my mom just to talk about her day, or sending a text to a friend I haven’t seen in a while. In reality, what the internet has deemed as self-care is often self-sabotage. Regardless of how I felt, showing up to your friend’s play as promised is self-care; missing it just to lie in bed isn’t.

My own upbringing has also influenced my antisocial tendencies. Growing up in my small town, my friends never texted or called before showing up at my house. They would just pull into my driveway and tell me to get in. While I love my high school friends dearly, it’s definitely possible that it’s become preferable to say no to plans now that University has given me a new freedom to decide my daily activities, and given the opportunity to make plans more than 5 minutes in advance. I am sure the Scorpio in me loves having the ability to say no, or to cancel plans without a real reason.

The next time I find myself searching for bad excuses to say no to plans with friends- telling myself that I should stay in because it’s last minute, or I have to get groceries that day, or even just to stay at home and binge watch Bones -I have to remember that it social isolation won’t make me happy (To be clear, Bones does make me happy, just not 24 hours a day when I should be off the couch!).

While reflecting on my own social habits, I am reminded of a simple saying I once heard on a podcast, “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager” (I believe the podcast was Jemma Sbeg’s The Psychology of Your 20s). This phrase has stuck with me, especially while considering backing out of my plans to see Bella’s play (Shoutout Bella! You were the best Sandy I’ve ever seen!). I don’t just want a group of supportive friends I can call when I’m bored- I want to be a villager. I want to put effort into my friendships and be there for the people I love. I want to prioritize my friends, going out of my way to find time for friends who are only in town for a couple of days. I want to show up for plans, even when I’ve had a long day. These efforts are what build and foster true friendships. Maintaining these relationships is a form of self-care because caring for others and showing up for the people I love ultimately nourishes me too. Looking back on the past few years, I’ve realized that staying busy keeps me grounded. I live a fuller life when I have plans and when I prioritize seeing my friends over perfecting a ten-step skincare routine. I’m at my happiest when I act like a good villager — when I’m thinking about the people I care about more than I’m thinking about myself.