A toxic relationship can come in various forms and consist of a variety of unhealthy behaviors and patterns. However, manipulative relationships and mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationships are a commonly misunderstood topic to those that have not experienced one. Though many people may understand the trauma that comes with toxic relationships, the long-lasting effects it can have on an individual after they have left are often overlooked. Though there are thousands of articles, websites, ted talks, and blogs about how to identify toxic relationships, the information regarding the healing process is minimal in comparison.
The psychological damage on someone who has experienced this can vary. However, it’s important to understand while victims recover, certain behavioral traits can arise and shift, differing from their behavior before the relationship. Becoming aware of how a friend, significant other, or even you may be coping with this journey is a vital step within the healing process. Abusive relationships specifically target the feeling of becoming vulnerable again as unbearable because in many cases the victim is stripped of their thoughts, emotions, bodies, and security. The fear of being vulnerable encompasses the many feelings these victims may experience.
Paranoia & Severe Anxiety
Paranoia is one of the most heartbreaking effects after dealing with an abuser. Depending on the severity of the abuse, victims can find themselves becoming extra cautious in all aspects of their life. Whether their partner did not give them space, had an excessive interest in their life, or extremely unhealthy boundaries, paranoia can leave many victims scarred and with overwhelming feelings that people are out to get them.
Skepticism
Ah, skepticism. Pretty self-explanatory, however, skepticism can become an overloading personality trait for victims. Abusers persuade the victim to think highly of them at first, which often follows with the questions and thoughts of “I should have known” and “Am I stupid for not seeing that?” This calls into question the victims’ judgment and may leave an inability to take things at face value. By this, victims become overly skeptical of others and situations as a personal defense mechanism.
Trust
Trust is the most damaging trait for victims of manipulative or abusive relationships. As mentioned before, these relationships begin in a honeymoon phase drawing their significant other in by making them feel special, confident and secure. After a while, the manipulation and abuse become less subtle and the victim begins to disregard the negative traits because they are holding onto the connection they had when it was not as present. Trusting others becomes terrifying for the victims because coming out of a relationship like this can bring up memories of times when they may have been abused and manipulated without even knowing it in the relationship. The journey to trust again becomes a long process and one of the greatest battles with accepting vulnerability after this type of trauma.
Building walls
Building extreme boundaries and walls after the relationship is a common trait among victims of abuse. Many abusers have no regard for personal boundaries making it easier to hurt and control their victims. After the relationship, the thoughts of personal boundaries tend to become obsessive and a defense mechanism to not let others in. It is important to remember building walls is a natural reaction we all have to avoid getting hurt or to be unavailable to others.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.” – Brene Brown
The aftermath of a toxic relationship is a rollercoaster full of emotions. Understanding that victims of abuse often have long-lasting trauma associated with vulnerability and can have a shift in behavior is key to the healing process. Reminding your friends and family who may be struggling through this time period that they are deserving of being treated with the utmost respect and that they are not alone is something everyone should remember. Toxic relationships are draining, suffocating and messy. We all deserve to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy as well as have the ability to recover from trauma.
Vulnerability is often mistaken as a weakness, however without it, we would not be able to grow, love, take risks, and push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Having the strength and courage to be open and accept forms of vulnerability after abuse is not for the faint-hearted and is an uphill battle. However, given time it will become easier when one is truly happy and confident in their self and experiences, create healthy boundaries, and owns their own story.