When I was a kid, I always imagined my friendships lasting forever. I would picture my elementary school BFF’s being there in the big life moments: college, weddings, etc. Even when I made it to high school, envisioning a life without my closest friends was not on my radar. But, as it happens to a lot of friendships, fights will happen, tensions will arise, and things sometimes just fizzle out.
Friendship breakups, in my experiences, have left me heartbroken and devastated, some even more than the few romantic breakups I have been through. Becoming so extremely close to someone, telling them every single personal detail, trusting them in so many different ways, and then completely breaking that bond can truly take a mental toll.
Even though I have experienced friendship breakups that left me with knots in my stomach and my mind continually racing, I have learned so much about myself and others. It was truly such a grief process that would occupy my mind 24/7. However, sometimes letting someone go truly is for the best. As heartbreaking as it is at first, it, for the most part, it is for the best in the end. Here are a few main points that I learned about friend breakups and pushing past the hard stages:
- Know your worth
This is said a lot in romantic relationships — and is so important in those — but it truly is crucial to know your worth, even in platonic relationships. Sometimes, I would just know when a friendship isn’t working, like getting a gut feeling when the banter and funny jokes turn problematic and more than “joking.” When ruminating on old friendships that didn’t survive, I would often think if I was being too harsh or would make excuses for mean words or behaviors. I always had such a difficult time deciphering between having common disagreements and someone being too far out of line. But, when processing a friend breakup fully, you have to remember what is most important to yourself and your values, which can be completely different from someone else.
- Take time to grieve
Going through friend breakups has always seemed so uncommon to me. Romantic breakups are so frequent, and it seems as though I always know someone who is going through one. There are so many guidelines, tips, and stereotypes for romantic breakups, but not a lot for friend breakups. I initially thought that I would be able to just move on immediately, without processing it. However, it took me quite some time to get past them, and not have to ruminate daily on what occurred. To this day, I still think about certain scenarios, but I can remember them in a different way. I can reminisce on the good times and remember them without anger or sadness of what may have happened later. Even though I can’t erase certain not so good events, I know that I learn so much about relationships in general when going through these tough times.
- Express yourself — especially through music!
Personally, one of my favorite ways to process really anything is to put in some noise cancelling headphones and blast some sad tunes and let whatever emotions that happen, happen! Some of my favorite songs to turn on, reminisce, and will usually end up with tears, include:
- I miss you I’m sorry by Gracie Abrams
- 26 and 24 by Paige Fish and Landon Boyce
- I Know It’s Over by Jeff Buckley
- No One Noticed by The MarĂas
- A Lot’s Gonna Change by Weyes Blood
- not a lot, just forever by Adrienne Lenker
All in all, friendship breakups are a completely subjective process, and are so different for each individual. It can entail sadness, anger, confusion, mourning, and so many other emotions. Nonetheless, just like any other separation, it will take time, but will eventually resolve and you will come to peace with the situation!