I think it’s sort of stupid to put a lot of emphasis on turning 20. Or, more commonly phrased, “entering your twenties.” If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand as a young woman living in the 21st century, it’s that societal pressure will always have its hand on my shoulder.
The social construct of “turning 20” is terrifying. You’re becoming older. You have more responsibilities. You simultaneously lose and gain value at the same time. There is a fine line between wanting to chase your dreams and following the imaginary checklist of life —job, marriage, children, retirement, death. You feel compelled to pick a lane and stick with it for all of eternity. You face more judgment and less compassion. You have a thousand opportunities at your fingertips, yet you feel behind everyone else.
I have lived an incredibly beautiful life, filled with blessings, cultures, communities, and most importantly, lessons. Everyone experiences a lifetime of learning over their existence. My existence feels as unique as a grain of sand on the beach, but somehow also as unique as a snowflake. My lessons, earned through painful and positive experiences alike, have crafted me into the empowered young woman I am today.
As I turn 20, I want to share my lessons, some obvious, some not, on my writing platform. Both as a personal record and reflection and as a comforting reminder for young women like me, this article is one I am proud to share, and prouder to internalize.
Being authentic has never steered me wrong. Every time I have attempted to try on a new personality, look, or trend, I come crawling back to my true self. She just stares down at me with a look that says, “I told you so.” Each mentor and authority figure has given me this advice (shoutout Mom), and since becoming an adult, it has only gotten more true. I like the person I naturally am, and when I proudly present her to the world, it seems like people enjoy her too.
Cultivating your garden of people takes time, experience, and effort. People will outgrow you, and you will outgrow people. It will take some time, but being aware of which qualities you want in a friend, partner, or mentor will serve you well for the rest of your life. Sometimes, in order to grow bigger and more beautiful flowers, we have to cut down the dead ones. Then one day, you’ll look at your garden and appreciate the work you put in even more. Being judgmental, when used cautiously and with good intentions, can reward you with the community you seek.
Repeat one phrase in your mind when you feel like everything is hopeless. For me, this phrase is “Nothing’s gonna change my world.” It’s from the song, Across The Universe by The Beatles. If I’m ever feeling down, stressed, overwhelmed, I put on this song and let it soothe me back to reality.
Changing yourself for someone else is never, ever, in a million, billion years, a good idea. This lesson, of course, has its exceptions. Altering little habits or behaviors that someone you love isn’t benefiting from can be a great learning experience and draw you closer to the ones you love. However, finding yourself tied to someone who believes in destroying the person you are is never healthy. The longer you stay on the wrong train, the more expensive it is to get home.
You will feel about 100% better if you take 5-10 minutes and wash your face and put on clean clothes. Hand-in-hand with this lesson is that style takes an incredible amount of time to achieve, and you must go through a mandatory “awkward phase” in order to find it.
Being your best friend is never lame, and people who say it are secretly hating themselves. My most valuable, restful, and peaceful times come when I pay attention to my needs. I put myself to bed early, I feed myself whole foods, I take myself on walks. I realize that I am worthy of all the love and kindness in the world, and it starts by giving it to myself.
With these lessons and the many more I have learned, I understand that I am not turning down a new path by entering my twenties. I am simply continuing down the same one with more wisdom and grace.
Our world perceives your twenties as a mysterious threshold, full of new and dangerous life choices. We fear what’s behind the door, we yearn for what’s behind the door, we imagine what our new lives will look like once the door has been opened.
As I step over that threshold, I am struck by the realization that life is still just the same as it was from behind the door.
I am still the same girl who had a massive Star Wars addiction as a child. I am still the girl who got a bob with bangs to try and look like Taylor Swift. I am still the girl who occasionally pronounces words incorrectly (“Yosemite” is somehow the hardest for me). I am still the girl who was mistaken for her parents’ “son” because she rejected everything feminine. I am still the girl who rocked her performance as Elvis Presley in fourth grade.
I am still the girl who brought sushi to school for lunch. I am still the girl who won her middle school’s grammar competition about eight times. I am still the girl who wanted to try out for the high school cheerleading team even though she was moving away. I am still the girl who begged her parents for a phone all of fifth and sixth grade.
I am still the girl who hates math. Who went to prom with her best friend. Whose emotions are too big for her body. Who considers her parents to be her whole world. Who has her eye on a little apartment in Cannes, perfect for watching the film festival. Who feels most at home by the ocean. Who puts too much pressure on herself to be perfect.
I turned around to see all of me. All versions, eras, styles, behaviors, habits. They smile back at me. They are proud of where we are. They are proud of where we will go.