Having turned 21 over a month ago, it brought up all of those familiar birthday thoughts and feelings. Excitement, anticipation, celebration, but also, unease. Ever since I was young, I have always dreaded my birthday; the expectations I hold for myself, comparing where I am at in my life to others, and all the other self-conscious thoughts that arise. In turning 21 this past month, which is debatably one of the most significant days in a college girl’s life, having to think about getting through a whole 24 hours was daunting.
When I was in elementary school, I hosted a pink-themed party for all of my friends and I. I remember being so thrilled to have all my best girl and guy friends over to my childhood house. However, within a couple hours, I ended up needing to take some time away from the party, as it all just got too much. All the attention, pressure to perform socially, and any other birthday expectations got to me, and would continue to constantly be haunting me every year.
With reminiscing about my pink birthday celebration, and many others following that, I was left with one question about me and the annual day that I am supposed to love: why do I hate my birthday? Digging deep down, I know that I am someone that does not like most kinds of attention. Being completely and utterly focused on as an individual is not something that I thrive on.
Throughout my life, I always have had a vision of how things are supposed to go in life, with an underlying theme of being easy and simple. However, having to face hardships and large changes has left me not on the straight path that I always envisioned. Facing my recent birthday and reflecting on how things should have gone versus how they actually panned out was challenging. However, I realized that I have so many things to be grateful for. I have supportive friends and family, the opportunity to get a higher education, a capable and healthy body, and so much more.
So I ask myself, why should I be so fearful towards my birthday? I have accomplished so much in my life so far, and I am only 21 years old. Not to say that this recognition of my birthday blues has fully resolved all of the self-conscious and comparing thoughts that I have and will have. But to look back on my life so far, I am proud of myself, where I have been, and where I am now.