We’ve all been there- it’s Christmas dinner and your great aunt Barbara starts harping to you about why you don’t have a boyfriend yet, what your plans are after graduation, why your jeans have holes in them, the works. And don’t even get me started on the political discussions that will inevitably ensue. Trying to navigate the holidays with your family can feel like a massive headache; it’s enough to make anyone want to isolate in bed until it’s all over. Here are some tips I’ve gathered over the years that can help you deal with even the most difficult family members.
- Change the topic.
-
Sometimes it’s better to just steer the conversation in a different direction. If you feel like you’re constantly having to explain yourself and defend your every move, it’s probably a good time to bring up how great those mashed potatoes are that grandma made. My go-to is a line about the weather; that’s always a solid distraction.
- Pretend you have studying to do.
-
If you can’t seem to escape the conversation, politely excuse yourself under the guise of a very important zoom meeting with a professor, an email you forgot to send, or even have your best friend call you. This method allows aunt Betty to go bug your cousin, or something.
- Be direct.
-
Although this method takes confidence, it’s always okay to stand up for yourself. If your parents won’t give the tattoo-shaming a rest, explain that you’d appreciate it if they didn’t criticize you so much. Likewise, the nitpicking relative may simply run out of things to press you on if you give them a straightforward response. Being direct will help remind your family that you are, in fact, an adult who has agency over their own actions.
- Use humor.
-
Although the interrogation that occurs at family gatherings can border on the absurd, it sometimes takes a little effort to make people realize this. Responding with comedy to loaded and straight up bizarre questions like “why haven’t you planned out your entire life career yet” can give the gentle nudge that will push your family’s expectations back into the grounds of reality.
- Just don’t go.
-
As much as we like to think of family gatherings as an integral part of the holiday experience, they are not. Your time off from your busy schedule should be spent with people that make you feel appreciated and supported. If you have a family that satisfies those needs, great. However, it’s important to remember that this is often not the case and accepting that is totally OK. You shouldn’t feel any guilt whatsoever about ditching a toxic family gathering to be with better people in your life. Make this holiday season about you and your wellbeing and acknowledge that who you spend your time with is entirely your own choice.
There’s no one way to make it through the holidays. Families are different as are our individual relationships with them. The most important thing I want you to take away is that whatever you need to do to feel respected, safe, and sane with or without family is entirely justified. This year has been long enough and we all need a break, so don’t let some distant relatives deprive you of your much-needed relaxation this holiday season.