Pretending Things Don’t Hurt

Teenage experiences can be one of the most difficult yet fulfilling parts of our lives. We are constantly around people our age and are experiencing some of the most exciting things yet some of the most mind-altering. One of the biggest issues that I don’t feel like is addressed enough is not being someone’s first choice. 

I struggled with this for a long time throughout my middle school and high school years. It may sound like such a cliché, but it truly hurt my self-esteem and confidence. I remember in middle school, I would watch everyone date each other and experience their first kiss, first dates, and first relationships. I would always ask these questions of myself: 

When will it be my turn? 

Is there something wrong with me? 

Then high school came along and I thought things would be different because the school was bigger and there were more people. But, that same trend continued and gave me a sense of doubt. At this point, I saw all of my best friends have boyfriends and I would of course always be supportive, but deep down, I was still unsatisfied. I yearned for that type of experience, having a boy like me and only me. 

I don’t want to put blame on a specific aspect, but I did grow up in a community where there was not a lot of diversity and culture. I was really one of the only Asian American students within the schools that I was in and I often thought that that was the reason for my experiences. Because I thought my life was going to be like this forever, I would tell myself that “It’s going to be okay” or “You don’t need anyone, it’s better to be alone and independent.” I forced myself to be comfortable within my perspective and fully accepted the fact that love wasn’t in the cards for me. 

The next chapter in my life was college and this was a whole world on its own. I went into college with no expectations and was very confident in myself and the energy that I was going to channel as I met new people. In fact, I ended up meeting someone who completely changed my perspective on the fact that I can be loved and appreciated. He has taught me so many things and made me realize that everyone has a time, it may be sooner, it may be later, but it will happen in due time. I finally was able to accept that the best things always come in the most unexpected way. 

• love
• mental health