Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Body Dysmorphia
“Do you have an eating disorder?”
I return home at least once a month for various reasons. Every time I do, without fail, a concerned family member corners me and asks about my eating habits. You look so thin lately, you know you can tell me anything.
I never have, and hopefully never will suffer from an eating disorder. I’d like to think that for most of my life I’ve had a very positive relationship with food. And, while I am lucky to have such a caring family who worries about my well-being, the near-constant questioning about my eating habits is beginning to make me evaluate my relationship with my health.
I, like most other women, am constantly picking my appearance apart. As a result, I’ve formed an incredibly unhealthy relationship with exercise. No eating disorders or malnutrition, rather exercising until my vision blurs and nausea becomes too much. If I miss a run or a scheduled workout, my mind says terrible things about my body. This will cost you. Think about how gross you’ll look tomorrow. You didn’t run so you don’t deserve that piece of chocolate.
During the holiday season, this voice gets louder and louder. The more time I spend at home, the more time I spend away from the workout routine that has dictated my every day. The more movies I watch, the more time I spend sitting and not staying active. The more cakes I bake with my mom, the more cakes I’ll want to eat, all adding up to running a few extra miles to make up for everything. For me, the holiday season is a constant challenge of calculating how much joy I will allow myself to have given the amount of exercise I’ve completed that day.
Whether you struggle with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, or simply an unhealthy relationship with your own actions, a break in the routine you have allowed yourself to slip into is challenging, yes. But, this break is necessary.
It takes the holidays to come around for me to truly wake up and see how much I am missing from my own life because of my relationship with exercise. I come home from a workout class to find my family finishing up a card game together. I finish my run only to see that dinner has already been cleared. I miss all the best moments because I was so concerned with how I might look during those moments.
For me, staying body positive during the holiday season means loving my body even when I find it hard to love. Loving the folds I feel on my stomach when I bend down to pick up my nephew. Loving the way my thigh fans out when I sit down on the couch to watch “Love Actually”. Loving the extra skin on my arms when I hug my grandparents. Loving the moments over hating myself.
I’ve spent so much time deciding that I didn’t deserve a piece of chocolate or I shouldn’t allow myself to skip a workout. But the holidays have shown me that even if I don’t think I deserve it, I know that I need it. I needed to realize all that I was missing because of how consumed I was with something as silly as a physical appearance.
It took me a very long time to realize what I was doing to myself was harmful. So this Thanksgiving, I feel thankful for the pause that the holiday season has brought into my life and the self-reflection that has come on because of it. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I hope you know that your body is beautiful, your body is strong, and your body loves you even when you don’t love it. I hope you have all the pumpkin pie you can eat. You deserve it.