My boyfriend and I had the kind of fight that ends relationships. Not because of what we were arguing about, whether he’d go out with friends while I was sick, but because of everything we weren’t saying underneath it. By the time he left that night, I wasn’t sure we’d make it through the weekend.
A fight about staying out too late turned into something bigger — accusations of disrespect, not being heard, not being valued. The real issues weren’t about that one night. They were about patterns we’d been ignoring for weeks. The fighting escalated over three days and led to our breakup. After a night apart to think, we both realized we weren’t ready to give up. That’s when we decided to try couples therapy.
A few days later, we walked into a therapist’s office. For me, this was terrifying. I’d been to therapy before, but never by choice. This time, I was walking in because I wanted help, because I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I felt hurt and unheard, but also hopeful that we could fix this. My boyfriend was ready to get help. Once we got into the room with the therapist, I could feel myself immediately shut off, no matter how much I wanted the help. She started by asking us what was going on, and we both just looked at each other with discomfort, but we knew the only way to get through this was to be honest.
We knew this sounded like a stupid teenager fight that was nothing compared to the affairs and divorce issues she usually handled. I was embarrassed to tell her we were fighting because of drinking and partying. But once we told her the situation, I felt nothing but heard. We told her all about the fight and how he felt controlled and like I was being unfair, and how I felt unheard and like he didn’t care. She talked us through one another’s emotions from that night, and everything clicked for both of us. This wasn’t a lack of communication, but a lack of control for both of us. I felt like I couldn’t get him to listen to my reasons for staying home, and he felt like he didn’t have control over being with his friends. After a few sessions of talking about this issue, we realized we weren’t on the same team. We didn’t see eye to eye; we only saw what we wanted to see. This led to so many of our fights and made them feel bigger than they actually were.
The solution was surprisingly simple. I needed a plan. I would get stressed when he would just go with the flow, and I would have this plan in my head that I wouldn’t tell him about. He needed me to just let him be with his friends and let go while he was out. So, for the next weekend, we came up with a plan for when we would be home. This allowed him to have his carefree night and gave me enough structure to not get overwhelmed and stressed. We tested this out next Thursday, and everything was amazing. We both did our own thing with our own friends, but also agreed to meet at my house at 1 to end the night together. It was the best night I’d had in such a long time. I wasn’t anxiously texting him about when he’d be home, and he wasn’t stressing about responding. We both stuck to the plan we created together, and we actually wanted to hear about each other’s nights instead of just interrogating each other.
What started as a small disagreement nearly ended our relationship. We got clarity on what was affecting us. We realized this wasn’t just a communication issue, but rather an issue of not feeling safe enough to be honest about our feelings. With our therapist, we were able to be honest and develop plans for how we’ll handle conflicts like this in the future. We finally were able to be on the same team and face conflicts together instead of against each other.
If you’re feeling lost in your relationship — if the same fights keep happening and you can’t figure out why — it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not too young for therapy. You’re just smart enough to know when you need it. He and I caught our pattern before it destroyed us. That’s not a weakness; it is a strength. That’s the whole point.