If you had told me when I was 7-years-old that I would identify as a lesbian, I would have called you crazy. I had very unrealistic dreams and ideas of what my life would be like at this age and not having a boyfriend probably would have sent the younger me into a spiral of sadness and despair. While I am now personally glad that I don’t have to worry about having a man in my life, there are some things that feel particularly isolating about being a lesbian that society does not tell you.Â
Texting a group chat full of friends that are either straight or queer but still like men will always be a lonely experience. These friends don’t understand the struggles of meeting other girls or the pain of feeling alone in a community that is supposed to be all-inclusive. This can be a lot worse if all of your friends also have boyfriends. There is no way to explain to them how you feel and there isn’t a way for them to understand either. Sometimes, I wish I could just relate to them and their struggles of looking cute for their boyfriends or finding places to go. Instead, there’s always the constant worry of if I look queer enough to other girls. Am I somehow being gay wrong or am I not pretty enough for the female gaze? The worst part about it is that unless you have other lesbian friends, there is nobody who quite understands the experience. I used to identify as bisexual for a long time, but every experience I had with a man was not enjoyable for me, and doing anything romantic with them was literally a nightmare for me. I never experienced internalized homophobia before I realized that I was a lesbian.Â
In my mind, I suppose being bisexual always made me feel like I was normal in society’s eyes, at least a little bit. Yeah, I like girls but I also like guys, so this integral part of girlhood and teenage life will still be a part of me. I’ll still get to be “normal” just like the rest of my friends who have boyfriends and get crushes on men. When I realized that I was a lesbian, I felt disappointed and sad like I was missing out on something. I am lucky that I have never had to worry about letting my parents and family down for being gay, but I felt like I was letting myself down — my younger self in particular. I’ve seen all these movies where the boy and the girl meet and they have this romance, which isn’t always perfect, but is beautiful to see. When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to be the one to experience that, to have some stupid boy I could gossip with to my mom. While I realize that romance with a woman can look similar to straight romance, it was never what I had imagined for myself. Sometimes, I wish I was different and that I could just like guys so that my life would be easier and I wouldn’t have to feel different from the rest of my friends and my family, but I can’t change who I am.
Compulsory heterosexuality is something many queer women go through, especially lesbians. Compulsory heterosexuality is when people often unconsciously feel the need to live the life of a straight person rather than the sexuality they are. This is a topic that is highly debated and discussed on social media platforms such as TikTok. The reason this is so confusing for a lot of people is because it can be a feeling that is very hard to pinpoint. If you are currently struggling with this feeling and unsure if you are, here is my experience with it. I’ve had my fair share of “crushes” on boys during my time in high school. However, I always loved the idea of going out with them rather than actually going out with them or having any sort of physical intimacy. I think I liked the idea of somebody loving me and doing all the cute dates you see on the internet and at the time, I had imagined it all with a man. If I ever got a date with the guy I had been obsessing over, I would feel uncomfortable and want to go home halfway through. Physical intimacy was another big indicator for me that I didn’t like men. The summer before my senior year, I went on a date to the movies with a guy and he put his arm around me. I have never been more uncomfortable in my life: I was so tense that my neck and back were hurting by the end of the movie. I also feel more connected to music about queer situations or by queer artists than that of straight artists. Everybody is different and my experiences with comphet might not be the same as yours, however, getting examples from different people can help people pinpoint the feeling better.Â
The lesbian dating pool is interesting and also not that good. It can be very hard to find another girl for a multitude of reasons. This is actually a very common problem within the lesbian community and a lot of that is due to women being more used to taking a passive role in relationships and finding a date. Much of this stems from social conditioning: you don’t want to be too forward as a woman or men will get the “wrong idea.” Even though lesbians aren’t going after men, women tend to still take a passive role in dating. When two women are taking a passive role and waiting for another woman to ask them out, then nobody is asking anyone out and there are no dates. I am guilty of this so I have no reason to complain about not being in a relationship, however, most of the time you can’t just tell when someone is gay, which can make it harder to ask them out. Then, of course, there are the dating apps. I think Tinder should be included as one of the levels of Hell, but that’s just me. On dating apps, there is a common problem: nobody knows what they want or knows how to communicate. You could be having a great conversation with someone for weeks and then they just end up ghosting you for no reason. This is terrible and common in both straight and gay relationships. The only advice I have: instead of being petty, just let it go — it’ll be better for your mental health. Most conversations often start and then fizzle out after a day because it’s hard to make an immediate connection with someone online. There are a lot of people who have luck on dating apps, but it is rare. Another problem that is common within the community is dating girls who are not entirely confident in their sexuality — which is fine — but this may end up hurting the other person. There are lots of women who like women but are afraid of their own sexuality, which can affect their commitment and willingness to be seen with the other woman. This situation is tricky because you don’t want there to be any pressure in the relationship, but also it’s hard when it feels like the other person doesn’t actually like you. All of these factors can make it incredibly difficult to date in the lesbian community and also contribute to the tragic WLW memes.
As difficult as it can be to be a lesbian, there are many beautiful things about it too. For one — and this is a huge positive in my book — I don’t have to deal with men, ever. I think this is great because I don’t have to deal with a man touching me or mansplaining extremely simple things to me in my ear. The LGBTQ+ community is also one of the greatest communities I have been a part of. All of my friends are queer and being queer often attracts other queer people. All of the queer people I know are awesome and it’s a great place to find community. While sometimes it can be harder to have good communication with a woman, it can also be easier because lots of times, you are both willing to talk about what is going right and wrong within the relationship. Because of this, relationships can last longer and remain healthy by avoiding miscommunication. Being with a woman also gives the advantage of having someone who understands the physical anatomy of a woman, making physical intimacy better and feel more experienced.Â
While it can take time to finally accept oneself for who you are and it can feel lonely at times, there is always a good side to every bad one. If you are reading this and struggling with accepting yourself, just know that this feeling won’t last forever. There will be a day when you feel comfortable in your own skin and happy with who you are. It can be really hard when the media that surrounds you is full of straight romance and violence against queer people, but that shouldn’t stop you from being who you want to be, and whether that takes months or years, don’t let it discourage you.Â
