The term “people pleaser” is defined by Medical News Today as “a person [who] feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or alter their personality around others.” People pleasers often desire to make everyone around them happy, no matter what they need to do to make that happen. I myself have had a period of my life where I was a chronic people pleaser, and I was able to make everyone around me extremely happy, letting them step on me and doing whatever they wanted from me. In simpler terms, I didn’t know how to say “No” even when I really didn’t want to do something.
Some people might not see an issue with that — I certainly didn’t when I was at the height of my people pleasing — because who wouldn’t want to do anything for the people that surround them? Especially since most of the people that you are doing anything for are your family, friends, significant others, and other people of importance. But what many people fail to notice until it’s too late is that this constant desire to make others happy before yourself is harming you, mentally and emotionally.
But it isn’t easy to just pull yourself out of this mindset, even after you’ve noticed it is taking a strain on your mental health. There is a good chance that you aren’t even sure how to begin setting boundaries, so here are a few easy steps to getting started.
According to an article by Stanford Student Affairs, the very first step to setting boundaries is to be aware of what is impacting you and what your tendencies are. This is when you take the time to really hone in on yourself and think about your needs, wants, likes, dislikes, and how they impact your life as well as your relationships. This reflection and self-awareness is what you need to really think about when establishing which boundaries you need to set. I know that, at least for myself, this step was very important because I had never taken the time to think about myself and my own needs. This step really helped me understand that setting boundaries wasn’t going to harm those around me but instead just help me feel better.
The next step is to write them down. Confronting the people in your life and telling them what your new boundaries are can be really scary. You probably won’t even know how to communicate your feelings, which is completely valid. My advice to make this a bit easier is to write down your feelings, your new boundaries, and a few ideas of how you are going to talk to the people around you about these boundaries. This will help you better center your thoughts and help you prepare for the tough conversations to come.
This leads us to our next step, which is having those tough conversations. Communication is very important to setting healthy boundaries, and this can be difficult, especially if you aren’t sure if the other person is going to understand where you are coming from. Ideally, this will be a quick, kind conversation where your feelings are validated and no one leaves feeling offended. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. But it is important that you stand your ground, focus on you and your feelings, and don’t allow them to shut you down. For example, let’s say your friend wants to hang out, but you have an exam the next day worth 50% of your grade so you need to stay in and study. So you tell your friend that you can’t go out tonight, and they get upset and start saying that you aren’t a good friend if you don’t go out. Tell them, no, it’s not them, you have a vital exam and that your grades come before going out. If they still don’t listen, then they probably aren’t a true friend, and you should drop them — but that’s another story for another time.
After communicating your boundaries, test them out for a bit. See how they work, if they work, and how they have affected your life. Continue to check in with yourself and how you are feeling with the boundaries in place. There might be a need to have some follow-up conversations with those around you, more so if the boundaries are crossed. Overall, this is the time to make any tweaks if something isn’t working or continue to put yourself and your feelings first.
Once your boundaries are set, you might feel a little guilty. There could be a lot that has to change to better accommodate your boundaries within your family, friend groups, workplace, school, etc, but it matters to focus on you. Think about how you feel, how this has changed your mental state, your emotional stability, your work ethic, or your social battery. There is so much that can and probably will improve after setting clear boundaries. This is the ultimate self-care because if you aren’t healthy mentally, how could you possibly expect yourself to also be healthy physically? There is much to gain from setting boundaries, and hopefully this will help you stand up for yourself to ensure that you put yourself first once in a while.