I’ve always been a relatively shy person. Since I could remember, I’ve tried to hide and blend in with my surroundings. The circumstances of my life definitely had something to do with it, but that’s a discussion for another article. I can recall the days when I would dread standing out or being different from those around me. Or the nights I would lay awake at the thought of not already having friends in my classes at the beginning of semesters. I’ve realized that most of this shyness and dread resulted from fear of being judged or disliked. I felt like the world was this audience I had to perform for. Everywhere was a stage.
I could tell that I wasn’t doing things for myself, but rather for the people around me. I was performing to make others happy, to keep them around, keep them close, and keep them interested. I couldn’t stand the thought of people disliking me for something I could’ve changed or prevented. But then I asked myself, why do you care what random people think of you? Or anyone for that matter? I found the unfortunate answer to this question after some deep reflection. I only cared because I didn’t want the feelings that stemmed from rejection, alienation, and loneliness. That’s what I was afraid of, people’s disinterest or complete detachment.
It didn’t take long for me to recognize that this way of living and mindset wasn’t doing me any favors. I was sad, felt like I couldn’t be myself, and shied away from opportunities that could’ve made me happy out of fear of reactions from people that didn’t really matter. It breaks my heart looking back because I could’ve been completely different now if I had noticed what was happening sooner. But having learned these lessons, I have the opportunity and strength to change my mindset and become better in the process.
I did some thinking, and I realized that everyone is alive for themselves. What I mean by this is that you are the only one you’ll be with forever, and what you do with that time can’t be totally influenced by other people. You of course have family, friends, and support systems that you love, and they are just as important. But there is a difference between loving them and living for them. You should be able to do what makes you happy and fulfilled while still loving your family and friends. Don’t allow outsiders to completely dictate your life, because you’re the one that has to experience it from the driver’s seat. This isn’t to say that you should be selfish and not be there for people, or not take advice from those you love, but at the end of the day, what you do should be your decision, not an action written in a script.
Through living for myself, I’ve grown more than I ever thought I would. I learned what I like to do, wear, think, and say without feeling trapped. I learned what actually makes me happy and how to find alternatives to the things that don’t. Life has been more of a mix of carefree and disciplined rather than serious at every moment. It was like I was able to shred the script and just improvise for the first time in forever.
Allowing yourself to let go of expectations and just live can be difficult, but with time you’ll look back and wonder why you ever cared so much. Just take your time, growth is a process. Hopefully, the lessons I’ve learned can help you in some way and you can start living for yourself.