When I left for college, I thought those first goodbyes would be the ones that hurt the most, watching the car drive away and being left in a new environment without the support I once had standing right next to me. However, I’m learning more and more every weekend that it gets harder with each goodbye. As much as I yearn to enjoy the time I have with the ones I love, there’s always a clock hovering over me, waiting to go off when I need to separate from them. It feels like just as I get over the most recent goodbye, there’s always another one right around the corner, waiting to be unpacked and overdramatized in my head.Â
I’ve thought of seemingly every possible solution to this problem, but none of them have ever really accomplished what I want. As I try to see my loved ones more and more, desperate to feel a connection to my old life from a distance, it gets harder to leave. I hate the feeling of being alone following a goodbye, but not seeing them doesn’t seem like an option. I’ve tried planning the next visit to have something to look forward to and planning other things to do together, but as much as that occupies my mind, the hard goodbye always comes — and it’s always harder than before.Â
Despite that, I don’t want the goodbyes to get easier. I want to feel every goodbye and know that I’ll always have more people who love and value me than just those I see every day. I want to feel so deeply that the good things overwhelm me with happiness and excitement. It’s just that the goodbyes are harder, and fill me with sadness for longer than they should. It’s a hard conversation I’ve had with myself to determine what I want and how much control I want, or think I have, over my emotions. In my head, I want it to get easier to save myself from more sadness, but in my heart, I hope it never gets easier, and that the depth of my relationships stays the same forever.
I think about the Winnie the Pooh quote, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard,” often. It’s hard to see the big picture of my life after saying goodbye and reaching an appreciation for what that sadness means. It’s a change in mindset, but a necessary one to become grateful for being sad and even more, for having something so special that leaving it, or them, becomes the hardest challenge. So maybe it doesn’t need to get easier because, maybe, the sadness reminds me of what I have.Â
Even so, I’ve asked a lot of people this question: my family, friends, upperclassmen, and people I admire. Though,I never get a definitive answer. I always wish for a, “Yes, it does I promise,” but I’m always answered with an, “It’ll be okay” instead or a reassuring hug and smile that always avoids my question. I’ve spent hours contemplating why this is, why I can’t find an answer that satisfies my desire to know. I continually wonder if it is just me or if every college student secretly mourns these goodbyes, but becomes immune to the sadness faced each time. And I’m left with my question again and again—does it get easier?