Changing Your Attachment Style

As we all become older and grow into our adult forms,  we will at some point have to reconcile with our attachment style.  This can be a very uncomfortable reality for a lot of people. The reason being that most young adults have insecure attachment styles. Actually, “approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment style of one type or another.” An insecure attachment style means that the way you connect and show your love in a romantic way is rooted in insecurity and fear. The most common insecure attachment styles are avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. Of course there are neausances to these attachment styles and many other types, but generally these are the most common. 

Some way to identify what attachment style you are is by looking at the way you handle being in a romantic relationship or how you experience romantic attention. People who have an anxious attachment style may need constant validation and reassurance that their partner is not mad at them. The opposite can be said about people with avoidant attachment style. They need constant space from their partner showing them romantic attention. They might easily find a person’s flaws to keep them from forming deep feelings for people and be very distant. All of these behaviors are rooted in fear and insecurity. 

Secure attachment style would be what people with insecure attachment styles want to aim for. People who have secure attachment styles are comfortable receiving and giving romantic love and affection. They are able to communicate clearly about what they want and what they feel. They don’t internalize their partners behaviors as a personal attack or believe their actions somehow reflect badly on them. They have strong personal self worth and are comfortable with being in or out of a relationship. 

 You may ask, is there a way to change your attachment from insecure to secure ? Yes there is, people do not choose to have insecure attachment styles,  and it can feel very isolating and impossible to change said attachment styles. But as with anything else, with trial and error you can change your anxious or avoidant style into a secure attachment style. 

Some ways to start this process would be to seek advice from a therapist, who can identify your attachment styles and help you understand what that means for you. Another tool you could use is being reflective, specifically on how you feel when you are being romantic or sexual with someone. If there are any strong emotions you don’t understand you can also  write them down in a journal. Finally, try  observing relationships around you and notice how other people handle being in relationships. You can learn a lot from talking with friends and family as well. 

Everyone has an attachment style and those attachment styles are unique to everyone. Becoming aware and emotionally aware of this will only aid you in your relationships with partners and your relationship with yourself.

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