A lot of us have been there. We’ve experienced that gut-wrenching feeling upon receiving that one text, that one phone call, or having that one conversation: the breakup. It sucks. Let’s not sugarcoat it. It is one of the worst feelings to have, and I am no stranger to it. Almost two months ago, I received that phone call, and I was broken up with. I let it happen and I didn’t fight it, but I was devastated. It might have been premature, but I had already imagined a future with this person, and having your entire “future” crumble in one phone call is heart-breaking.
After I had the chance to process a little and calm down, I started reflecting on my relationship. When it ended, all that I heard from my close friends and family was that now, I could finally focus on myself. I didn’t understand why I was getting this feedback, but even though I didn’t want to think about it at first, I realized later on how much of myself I put into the relationship, how much of myself I gave up for the other person when they didn’t do the same for me. Even though I made great memories and had happy moments, this relationship wasn’t meant to be, and this future that I imagined, the person that I imagined a future with, was just that: a figment of my imagination. Something I have learned about myself recently is that I envision my perfect future, and I try to mold people to fit that vision. This relationship wasn’t my perfect future, and neither was this person. If you have to suppress yourself for somebody else in order to make the relationship work, it’s not meant to be, even if you want to believe with every fiber of your being that it is.
I am happy that my relationship ended, even though I didn’t initiate its ending. I can’t deny that I was upset at first because I loved this person a lot, but as the saying goes, “love is blind,” and it is. The writing was on the wall, and I chose to ignore it. Thinking back, I am furious with myself for putting the other person first. Relationships are about compromise; it’s not always going to be 50/50, sometimes it will be 60/40 or even 70/30. But, especially recently, I felt like I was in a 90/10 relationship because everything was always about the other person. I was doing so much more for them than they were for me, and when I couldn’t give any more of myself, they left.
I think that our gut instinct is more often right than wrong, and our gut tells us things we don’t always want to listen to. I had gut feelings, and I ignored them. Though deep down, a part of me knew that I needed more than what this person was giving me. There were times when I thought to myself, “why would I want more than this person is already giving me?” But you have to recognize that you are never asking for too much if it’s what you need, and the right person will give you what you are asking for. It’s as simple as that. Now, I am not at all a relationship expert. In fact, I have only been in two relationships. They were both long-term and I got into the first one when I was 15, followed by the second one at 17. I haven’t really had a chance to be single, and when I was single for a brief period of time, I hated every minute of it. I thought this time would be the same, but I kind of love it. I am not going to pretend that my life is perfect and that every day is great because there are still bad days, intrusive thoughts, and heightened emotions that I don’t want to feel. But I can say that I have grown more as a person in the last two months than I have in the last five years. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.
If you are going through a breakup right now, I empathize with you and I know that at times, it sucks. I want you to know that it gets easier. I know everybody says that, but it’s true. Every day and every minute, you are healing and you are moving on, although it might not always feel like that. I’m a firm believer that what is meant to be, will be. If you’re meant to be with a person, you will be because you cannot lose something that is yours. And if you’re meant to meet new people, have new experiences, and find yourself, you will. Never settle for less than what you want, put yourself first, do what makes you happy, and surround yourself with people who will love you in the way that you deserve to be loved.
A few years ago, I read something that stuck with me: a relationship isn’t made up of two halves, but rather two wholes. I knew I wasn’t yet whole, but I thought I would be “complete” with a companion by my side. Sometimes, that is the case, but for me, it wasn’t. I felt nothing like myself, even though I tried to deny it. I’m still working on finding myself completely, but I know that in my next relationship, I won’t sacrifice my needs for somebody else’s. Essentially, this goes back to my earlier statement that our gut is usually right. In my gut, I knew that this relationship wasn’t going to be the end game, but I let myself get wrapped up in it and believe that it would be. I know that once I find the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with, I won’t be the fraction of myself that I am today, but a whole me. In the meantime, I’m going to spend this new time of independence working on filling the missing pieces by myself. I am writing a new chapter in my life, and I am so excited to see who I turn out to be.