I often wish I could give advice to my younger self or ask advice from my future self. Especially being 20, learning to navigate the adult world. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, set myself up financially and academically, while still having fun and fostering new and existing relationships.
But since time-travel doesn’t exist, the best we can do is learn from the people who have already walked in the shoes of a 20-year-old, and let them tell us a bit about what they’ve learned along the way.
So I took it upon myself to ask for guidance from some of the most influential women in my life, what they wish they had known when they were 20, and what advice they would give to someone who is 20, right now.
Career and finances
“Spend time thinking, but spend more time DOING.”
When asked about their careers, the women I look up to said not to let worries and fears limit you in any capacity. It’s important to do things that scare you and to take risks. “Don’t be afraid to ask, and be prepared to hear no.”
At 20, it feels like there’s this immense pressure to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life, and it seems like there’s a time limit to figure it out. But at 53, Lezlie says she is still figuring out what she wants to do: “I’m still shifting and changing and I think that that is a good thing/ I think that it’s just about being nimble and following up on things that interest you.”
Seek out mentors in fields that interest you, and take the opportunity to learn and explore. Spend time thinking, but spend more time doing. Try things out, volunteer, and connect with women who are interesting to you and doing work that sparks joy. It’s ok to not know what you want to do and to make mistakes and pivot in different directions.
Self-confidence is a struggle for most people in their 20s, and whether you have it or not, you need to act as if you do. Confidence opens doors, and putting yourself in rooms that are scary but force growth will take you to new career destinations you might not have known existed.
And always remember to trust your gut. If you feel like a job is the wrong fit for you, you’re probably right.
Some women explain the difficulties they’ve had with education. Not pursuing it when they wanted to or not realizing the magnitude of school and how important knowledge is. Joan explains the importance of believing in yourself, even when things don’t go the way you had planned, “Having to quit high school after grade 10 to help support my family, I always envied those with more education. At age 38, I went back to school and received my grade 12 diploma and then took a business course in order to return to the workforce. It’s never too late to upgrade, no matter how apprehensive you may be.”
The importance of financial literacy and investment skills was brought up a lot. Many women wished they had taken investing more seriously in their 20s and had reached out for professional advice. Historically, managing finances is often a man’s responsibility, but it gives a woman financial security and independence to build financial and investment skills early.
Learn about RRSPs and TFSAs early, look for jobs with a pension and benefits, and of course, take the time to read David Chilton’s The Wealthy Barber.
Relationships
“Spend time with people from different backgrounds, different ages and walks of life. Your life will be richer for it”.
Regarding platonic relationships, a common theme was to spend time building and nurturing healthy female friendships. Relationships of any kind require work and patience; make sure to put in the effort to make them work. Lezlie gave a tip for maintaining these connections. When you make plans, don’t leave that encounter without making plans for the next time you’ll see each other, otherwise it’s so easy to lose touch.
Heather says, “If you meet someone that you have that spark with it’s important to not be swallowed by that person, to make them be your everything. Remember, you need your girlfriends. And if you don’t hear from your girlfriends who have been swallowed in a relationship, keep in touch with them anyway, even if they aren’t great about staying in touch with you.”
Be kind to other women. We sometimes let our insecurities take the wheel and judge others because we are afraid of being judged ourselves. Be kind without fear of ridicule or rejection. It may still happen, but it’s important to learn not to change your values in light of it.
A few women wished they had sought out therapy sooner or looked into anti-anxiety medication. Learning to heal from things that have happened in their childhood and to free themselves from the expectations and judgment from others. Whether through therapy or elsewhere, there is importance in accepting feedback from others. “Accept direction when you can to become better, or at least practice the ‘pause’ before you dismiss it.” Making mistakes is human, and we need to appreciate them and the lessons they teach us, so we can know how to be better to ourselves and to others.
As for romantic relationships, don’t rush yourself or feel pressured to because that’s what the people around you are doing. Know yourself and focus on that first. The more you understand about who you are, the better you can stand on your own.
Having open communication, being respectful, and setting healthy boundaries are key to having a healthy relationship. Your partner should make you feel cherished, even when you screw up. Be willing to say you are sorry easily. And as my mom said, “In all relationships, always be loyal to a fault.”
Kim says understanding your own personality type as well as your partner’s can help too. Understanding different communication and conflict styles helps us better appreciate our differences and work together as a team. Amy recommends travelling with your partner, saying the way someone travels says a lot about them.
Self-growth and SElf-love
“COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY AND IT’S A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME!”
I asked about self-growth and what would have been good to worry about and what not to worry about. Women consistently brought up worrying too much about what other people thought. Put your phone down and get off social media; you don’t need to see what everyone else is doing anyway.
Don’t worry about falling behind. You aren’t in a race, so there’s no need to rush. Slow down, let things come to you, carry a lighter course load if you need. Things seem to work out in the end when they’re supposed to, and what a waste of energy it is to worry! Heather says that as a society, we “focus too much on achievements and reaching our goals,” often defining success based on our achievements. “When I was younger, I wish that I had someone in my life to remind me and to show me how to enjoy the journey rather than just focus on the end goal.”
Spend more time reading and educating yourself. Sandra works as a librarian and says she has learned so much from books: “I think we need to bear witness to the realities and suffering of our world and educate ourselves. I also believe it’s ok to read for joy and entertainment. And NO ONE should shame someone for their taste in books. That’s obnoxious.”
Take more time to dedicate to hobbies: “In your 20s you’ll think you don’t have time, but you just have to take a small amount and use it to nurture what you like doing.” Sue B compared it to saving money, how just a little bit adds up over time, and it’s important to set aside some time for yourself.
Make sure to have a community, whether that be a book club, a close group of friends or a sports team. Stay true to yourself and your values, and the right people will surround you.
Regarding physical self-care, wear sunscreen and don’t smoke. Take care of your skin, hair and your teeth. Eat better foods and worry about being physically strong rather than being skinny. And go out dancing with your girlfriends, a lot.
final thoughts
Now these are only the views of 19 out of the billions of women who have lived through their 20s. And of course, having these women be some of the most important to me means it will mean more to me than it probably will for any other 20-year-old woman who reads this. And the funny thing about hearing these responses was that I felt like I already knew most of these things deep down, it was just a matter of having someone more experienced validate them for me that made me believe them. Which seems ironic, because self-confidence was one of the biggest themes in the answers I got. I realized I don’t actually need to ask other women to tell me what I should do in my 20s or how to do it ‘right’, what I need is to start asking myself what feels the most authentic to me. Advice can only take you so far; you’ll inevitably have to figure it out either way. But it definitely helps to have a support system of women, cheering you on no matter what.
Thank you to the women who shared their stories with me for this piece, and for giving me the opportunity to write about them.
Now I’ll go try it for myself.
Thank you to the women who shared their stories with me for this piece, and for giving me the opportunity to write about them.
Women Featured in This Piece
Listed alphabetically by first name
Alexandra, Amber, Amy, Courtney, Eileen, Geralyn, Heather, Izzy, Joan, Karen, Kim, Leigh-Anne, Lezlie, Marilyn, Sandra, Sara, Sue, Susan