I was ten-years-old when I first developed feelings for a boy. The bare pages in my diary were suddenly covered in drawings of hearts, of his face, his clothes. Paragraphs and paragraphs about our life together accompanied these drawings. When I turned 13, I cracked open the diary again, this time writing (more comprehensible) paragraphs about a 16-year-old boy who got kicked out of my high school. He wore aviator glasses and flannel shirts. I drew pictures of his skateboard. When I was 17, I dug my diary out from the bottom of my underwear drawer to write about a Mexican exchange student who kissed me on the cheek. I relived the experience over and over again, listing all the nice things he said to me and drawing pictures of the trees we hid behind to sneak more kisses.
I haven’t opened the diary since. I like to think it’s because I’ve grown out of it, but I think it has more to do with me actually admitting my feelings to people now rather than inventing love stories on the pages of my diary. But maybe that’s growing up too.
Anyway, here are five things I’ve learned from my many failures and few (extremely valuable) accomplishments in the realm of love and relationships. Specifically, that magical, gut-wrenching moment you start to catch feelings.
1. Be honest (with your crush…and with yourself)
I know this may sound like the obvious, go-to piece of advice any and every article about love resorts to. Hear me out though. It is SO IMPORTANT to be, firstly, honest with yourself. Have you ever kissed someone you were attracted to and subsequently felt like you were forcing it? Or weren’t sure if the attraction you felt was just physical? It’s crucial to you ask yourself if you’re truly comfortable continuing to nurture feelings for this person. It’s also important to make sure you’re honest with them. If anything feels forced or uncomfortable, it’s not too late to admit it and end it. However, if everything feels great and you’re sure about your feelings, then TELL THEM! Which brings us to my next point.
2. Go for it!
I cannot stress enough how important it is to try (just try!), to not be afraid and take a chance. It’s hard. It’s scary. It takes enormous effort. I mean, I don’t think people give enough credit to the few ladies out there who are always upfront about their feelings. Seriously, I feel like I have to go into some kind of numb trance to be able to admit I like someone. But it’s so, so worth it.
3. Don’t be scared to put your guard down
Opening up to someone can be hard, especially if you’ve been hurt or rejected in the past. As human beings, we need to protect ourselves from harm, and even emotional pain can trigger our fight or flight response mechanisms. I’m no psychologist, but I can tell you your body can do some crazy things when it feels threatened, even if that threat is just fear of rejection. It takes practice, but embracing your vulnerability can multiply the layers of intimacy and love in a relationship and lead to something truly amazing.
4. Remember your boundaries, and respect theirs
So let’s say you’re in the dating/hanging out phase with someone. And you see each other every other day. And maybe they text you. A lot. Now, your conception of “too much of someone” may be different than mine. But the important thing is you know when you need space. Maybe this won’t be an issue at all, and that’s great. But it’s important to remember to set boundaries and not go along with something you’re not comfortable with. It’s equally important to remember that if someone says they need more time with friends or more time alone, they are absolutely not rejecting you.
5. Enjoy every minute of it
Romantic relationships are weird. The beginning is filled with excitement, discovery, and, in my case at least, anxiety. I find myself constantly worrying that whatever I have with this person is going to disappear. Sometimes that anxiety makes me wonder why I even agreed to let my brain fall in love with someone in the first place. The most important thing I learned through my experiences is to not let that anxiety take over. It halts important progress and can potentially spoil the otherwise good moments or learning experiences you have with your partner. Putting that anxiety aside can open up possibilities for building important foundations to your relationship, such as trust. When you’re consciously making an effort to enjoy the beginnings of a relationship, you’re letting your brain (and heart) make room for positive experiences. Again, do not be afraid to share these fears and anxiety with your partner. Chances are they’re feeling them too.