On November 2, Scott Paul Beierle entered the Hot Yoga Tallahassee studio in Tallahassee, Florida posing as a customer and fired a handgun, injuring five students and killing two women. Beirle shot and killed Florida State University student Maura Binkley, 21 and FSU professor Nancy Van Vessem, 61. The shooter had a history of misogyny and gender-based violence. Beierle, who killed himself following the shooting, had been known around the FSU campus for following women and nonconsensually grabbing them, as well as stalking an ex-girlfriend.
When I first heard the news of this tragedy I grappled with my own affective response. Given my personal health issues, yoga has been a hugely important addition to my life in the past couple of months. I have also been saddened that amid what seems to be weekly shootings, the tragedy at the Tallahassee yoga studio was so underreported and thus largely unknown. In his murdering of women in such a place of bodily peace and healing, Beierle carried on the now historical tradition of the American mass shooter: he violently silenced us. In taking away lives shooters perpetuate despicable acts of silencing. In an effort to refuse the shooter’s silencing aims, to demonstrate the resilience of women, and to ensure that Maura Binkley and Nancy Van Vessem lives are honored, at the time of the shooting I collected women’s (those around me at school, in my yoga studio, and from back home) poignant and touching responses to this heinous tragedy which are anonymously provided below.
1.
From what I know, yoga provides mental and spiritual relief for many people, especially women. The fact that a shooting took place in such a setting speaks to the ongoing violence that women have faced over the decades and how, along with many other groups being targeted, the seemingly subliminal aggressions that womxn face are starting to become more blatant and direct regarding its intent to cause harm. I think that it is extremely important for people to respond to this incident, not by avoiding their yoga sites of practice and the entire ritual, but to invest in it and claim it for themselves as a form of healing from this tragedy. While fear is a reasonable response to terrorism, it is not an effective one. If womxn reclaim this space in society, they would not only show that they are persistent and capable of persevering through tragedy, but they could also demonstrate that society needs to pay more attention to gun violence and the effect that it has on each affected community. Especially for me, being a woman of color confronted with microaggression and news of daily violence in our country, survival and perseverance can serve to be in itself a powerful act of rebellion.
2.
I’ve always approached yoga from a perspective of seeing it as a way to cope with stress and anxiety. It has always been a really effective way for me to connect with my own body and alleviate anxiety through that. When I’m in yoga, which in my experience has been a predominantly women-centered space, I don’t worry about the way that my body looks. I don’t worry about having to conceal myself from a possibly threatening gaze. I use it as a time to reflect on my day-to-day stress and work out some emotions by feeling more centered in my body. The fact that I am typically surrounded by a community of women with similar goals allows me to feel safe and comfortable. I feel the most in my body during yoga and during sex; these are both experiences that allow me to feel my body in all of its strength and sexual capacity—but not for the benefit of others. I’ve actually thought about something similar happening, which I think might be unavoidable when it seems that the places where you are made to feel the most safe are often the most targeted. It is obviously no coincidence that this white man opened fire on a community space where many women gather to experience being in their bodies in a way that is not for the benefit of men. The fact that the very reasoning as to why this space has been so special to me is also the reason why this man targeted it is something that I have an extremely hard time coming to terms with. Ever since this shooting happened, I have been concerned about my safety when I enter the studio. I think about exit strategies, how I would protect myself, who would protect me… The fact that this man has a record of sexual harassment and misogyny confirms all of the worst things. This shows me that who I am, who loves me, who I love, what I love, everything that makes me a person who is special and cared for and important is null and void in the eyes of men who see me as simply a product of my gender. I want to say that I can still feel empowered and autonomous but I don’t—I feel more afraid than ever and I don’t know where to put that fear.
3.
In yoga we always talk about a sense of peace, your internal sense of well being, essentially taking a reprieve from the rest of the outside world. So the fact that somebody brought this type of violence into a space that is supposed to be a bubble of safety away from that—it’s just… it’s very jarring. If I’m having a terrible time emotionally, I go to a yoga studio. Because it’s so intense at points, you just stop thinking about anything, which is a really nice break. I’ve been going to yoga for years, most of my life, so it was so crazy to hear about this. It felt very, very specific, like it’s a yoga studio. Yoga is like an unofficial women’s club, that’s the only way I can think to describe it, but it’s really special and specific in the way that men can also come and feel welcomed. [Yoga] is one of the only places I can think of that is like that. Everytime I go to studios, there are always guys, but it’s predominantly women so this act is clearly just very gendered… I don’t even know how to process that honestly. I’m still gonna keep going to yoga studios, but it’s just very disturbing since I have never ever felt afraid to go, but now should I be thinking: “what if it happens to my studio?”
4.
[Hot Yoga] is something in my life that has saved me, it’s brought me back to balance. And for some people, this is their faith, or this is their community that protects them and lifts them up… it’s violating, it makes you super vulnerable, it gives you a pit in your stomach. Those are the feelings that you come to a yoga studio for, that you are supposed to release and regain balance back. So I think for this to happen is a massive tragedy, as any tragedy in the world, and it just saddens me that a space that people hold true to their heart… now you have to wonder everytime you go [there] if you’re safe.
5.
I love yoga, I always have – its such a beautiful way to calm your mind and body. It really helps to center me and helps me when I’m feeling particularly anxious (which can be often haha), so I find it super upsetting that this happened at a space where people are just trying to find peace. I definitely think that we should continue claiming yoga spaces as a place of peacefulness and tranquility; not do so would be giving into evil assholes, like the shooter who is just a deeply racist, misogynistic man. I think it’s devastating that he chose this particular spot where women congregate—I don’t even think yoga should be female-dominated by principle, but the fact that it is adds to the sense of peace for me. So, I think this single case is indicative of just all of the stuff we see from shooters—entitled white men who just do not have any respect for women
6.
I think for me, the most shocking part of this shooting was the fact that the gunman recognized the yoga studio as a place where women congregate and where women feel comfortable. I read a lot of articles right after the incident that linked him with the incel movement. From what I know about incels, they hate the idea of women being comfortable with themselves and with their bodies, or even with women claiming ownership over their own bodies. Yoga was really important for me in claiming ownership over my body. In middle school, I had pretty severe body image issues, to the point where I didn’t want to run or workout for fear of what I’d look like. My mom recognized this and started taking me with her to the yoga studio on weekends. Going through the motions of yoga in a place that is safe, woman centered, and peaceful allowed me to start forming a better relationship with my body. Therefore, it feels especially brutal that a person whose specific intention was to hurt women would chose to do so in a yoga studio—a place meant for tranquility and a place that allows people to gain familiarity with their bodies in a comfortable setting.
7.
I started going to yoga classes this summer with my friends and I found yoga, especially hot yoga, very different from other forms of exercise that I do. Yoga is not just a form of exercise, it extends to a form of meditation and each instructor I’ve had has always emphasized the safe sanctity of the space. I know one night I woke up in the middle of the night and started panicking, and the thing that ended up calming me down enough so I could go to bed was the meditation I learned in yoga. It makes me upset that yoga or other studios now are an additional unsafe space. I think the recent shootings, like in Thousand Oaks, as well as this one, has made it more jarring that shootings will really happen anywhere, even in spaces people think are “safe” or mundane.
8.
I worked over the summer at a yoga and pilates studio in California and my mom goes to yoga all the time and I go with her. So, [this] feels like something that could have happened to my family. Yoga has also always felt like a body positive space; I tend to see women supporting each other within the community and at studios, so, it feels like not only targeting a place where women congregate, but like a safe space or what was supposed to be safe space. I think that’s what makes it feel not only targeted, but especially insidious in its targeting.
9.
I’ve been thinking about the concept of breathing, how when I learned of the shooting my “breath was taken away” and the irony of how a large portion of yoga is centered around slow and controlled breathing, a full 6 seconds in, a full 6 seconds out. breathing utilized as a mechanism of relaxation vs an expression of shock/fear. I can’t imagine being acutely aware of your own breathing as a way to seek balance and peace, only to have your breath and life taken by a gunshot.
Collecting these responses was an emotionally taxing experience both for myself and the women I reached out to. Some immediately had a response when I mentioned the shooting at the yoga studio, while others were rendered silent, shocked that they had never heard about it. The thoughtful and poignant responses demonstrate how profound yoga has been to them whether it be regarding their body image, finding unity, or improving their strength and breath. When discussing the recent violence, many of the respondents grew emotional. Lisa asked to take a quick break and a few even wept. For myself and these women, it was not just a community in Tallahassee that felt targeted. Rather our affective response spoke to the larger cultural issues that normalizes violence against women, that naturalize a society of unheard women, that stigmatize restorative practices like yoga. A critical step to combatting all of that is to talk with those around you. Staying silent when injustices occur—large and small—enables America’s seemingly unceasing cycle of violence.