Just because our school is really old doesn’t mean our elevators should feel like a throwback to the 1800s. Yet, as anyone who’s ever been too tired to take the stairs will be able tell you, lots of them definitely do. Here are six of Columbia and Barnard’s worst elevators, ranked.
6. Schapiro Hall
Although they’re (probably) not a safety hazard like some of the other elevators on this list, they are definitely some of the more annoying elevators on campus. Even though there are three of them, only two go to the basement, which is also inaccessible through the main stairwells. Plus, which side the buttons are on varies in each elevator, so you consistently find yourself doing a full half-circle as you realize that you went to push an empty stretch of wall instead of your floor number. Beyond that, one of the elevators is significantly slower than the others and shakes like it’s about to drop you at any second (that is, if you can manage to get the doors to close—they tend to get stuck and rattle the whole elevator as they try to unstick themselves).
5. Barnard Hall
Literally just ask anyone who’s taken these elevators what they sound like as they try to make their way up or down. Even though they don’t get stuck like Shap’s one ghost-elevator, that seems to be an imminent next step.
4. Pupin
No matter how far in advance you show up to Pupin, if you try to take the elevator, you’ll end up late. This elevator takes longer to show up than it does to walk up and down Pupin’s nasty stairwells twice. The real question is: where is it hiding and why does it hate all SEAS kids/unfortunate CC kids who got saddled with basement night classes in this awful building?
3. Hewitt
Hewitt’s one tiny elevator is a tragic combination of mystifyingly slow and terrifying creakiness. If someone told me that there’s a Barnard security guard down there operating it with a hand-cranked pulley system, I wouldn’t be surprised. Taking this elevator is barely worth it.
2. Hamilton Hall
This elevator is shaky and can fit about 3.5 people comfortably, but that doesn’t stop the insane line of tired and belligerent students from piling up at 10 a.m. every day to bully each other into getting out of the way. This elevator is actually a portal into hell that turns everyone in range into a demon. I’ve seen people cut kids on crutches carrying multiple backpacks to get in when there are already five people too many inside. Use at your own risk unless you like early morning fist fights and docked participation points for lateness.
1. Plimpton
Out of the three elevators in Plimpton, only one is in use at the moment and has the really cute habit of dropping people multiple floors without warning. Of all the elevators I’ve listed, this one seems to be the most likely to actually kill someone this semester, but it’s only October, so we’ll have to see.