“Headed to the grocery store! Need anything?”
Taking a quick pause to contemplate the contents of your refrigerator, you don’t think twice about this statement except to really scrutinize whether or not you need carrots (the answer is always yes). Good for you, taking the initiative to nourish your body and prepare your own meals with fresh ingredients! Woo! Yay for a healthy body! Except, you don’t say any of these things. Instead, you say, “Can you pick me some carrots please?” Next.
“Headed to therapy at four. Can I meet you for dinner after?”
Your shock bleeds noticeably into the apples of your cheeks. You stammer and falter around your words, attempting to strike a balance between reinforcement, concern, and support. Wow, I didn’t realize you needed therapy— but I am so glad that you made that decision for yourself. You know I’m always here, right? I didn’t know you were struggling. Are you okay? You say all of these things, and more. All in good faith, but not always necessary.
Since starting therapy, I’ve begun to feel like a rogue secret agent. I often schedule my therapy sessions right after work on Thursdays and Fridays, so I always cryptically tell my bosses that “I have a meeting on campus.” One day, I decided to mention that I actually had an appointment with campus psychological services because the appointments are difficult to secure. I was immediately met with a set of concerned, wide eyes as my coworker proceeded to hype me up about my decision to do therapy. It got me thinking: why don’t we know how to talk about therapy casually?
A healthy mind is a lovely asset to have, and while many people do tend to seek help after a traumatic experience or a mental low, therapy is ultimately a sign of hope and progress. I honestly wish I didn’t wait so long to start and that I had started incorporating the practice into my regular routine just as a healthy means of living. I once worked at a private school for children in grades K-8, for example, and they had an in-school psychologist alongside their guidance counselors and nurse—but this was a privilege! So many children in New York City public schools are struggling to process their friendships, their home lives, and the world without this kind of support. So, let’s talk therapy, normalize active work on mental health, and maybe not say some of these things to someone who is on their way to an appointment.
- Wow/Woah/Really?
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Let’s pause here. Many people don’t have any shame about going to therapy, as they shouldn’t! However, because of the persistent stigma surrounding mental health, many people hesitate to seek these resources openly. Expressing shock may trigger the same deep root of insecurity or uncertainty that relates to this individual’s path to therapy. The best thing to do is to accept a therapy appointment as a casual point of conversation, even if you may have never done it yourself. It’s okay to ask questions if you’re curious about the experience, but maybe hold off on the gasps and exasperated expressions.
- I’m glad that you chose to do that for YOURSELF. I’m glad that it works for YOU.
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These statements have good intentions, but I still always end up feeling a tad isolated. The “for you/for yourself” phrases connote a sense of individual experience that doesn’t seem to really fit into the universality of therapy and mental health maintenance. Sure, not everybody likes therapy— but we all have minds, no? The polarizing separation between the person speaking and the “you” also inadvertently creates a belittling sense of hierarchy. What I often end up really hearing is: I’ve never had to do therapy.
- Good for you!
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Especially if someone has been in therapy for a while and the practice is very routine for them—as it is for plenty of people—this kind of remark seems a bit out of place and slightly infantilizing. It is natural to want to encourage people when they are making good decisions for themselves, but therapy doesn’t always warrant a pep talk unless you can tell your friend might actually need a little pick-me-up.
- Oh, I’m sorry…
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Why are you apologizing?! This is really not necessarily at all, and now I feel bad for you for feeling bad for me. This cycle of guilt is not really productive for anyone! Say it with me: therapy is a good thing. Therapy is a healthy practice. Therapy is normal.
- Why?
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This is a big question, isn’t it? Especially if you have been attending therapy for a while, you may find that a hullaballoo of interconnected ruminations and life experiences keep you coming back to therapy. Plus, sometimes it is good just to talk! I have good weeks where I still find plenty of things to talk about with my counselor because humans are complex beings and emotions, even more so! We don’t need to justify our need for mental and emotional support. Everyone is more than entitled to it, and should definitely access these resources if they so choose.
The next time you encounter someone going to therapy, try this instead: Catch you later! Still on for dinner? Have a good session! Let me know how it goes if you want to talk later! Cool, I have therapy on Thursday! Cool!
And one more time for good measure: Therapy is a good thing. Therapy is a healthy practice. Therapy is normal.