Your Saturday night? Can tell you right now it ended at the Jug, despite you saying that you refused to end up there. Sober you said that… 1 AM you said something else…
And just like every other Jug night, you went in with irrational hopes and that nice North Face fracket you stole at Tach last weekend. Except, this weekend was different, because you locked that sh*t in John Jug’s coat lock system.
Now, next week you wont have to find the sweatshirt someone stole from you behind the curtains at DU. You won’t have to see your last name Sharpied on the back of the oblivious soul who clearly stole the fracket you not-so-rightfully obtained last weekend, and then had the audacity to wear it in public.
So, I’ve taken it upon myself to note some of the pros and cons of John Jug’s coat lock system. I’m leaving it up to you to weigh if your warmth is worth paying the price:
Pro: Now your weak-ass friends don’t have an excuse to not go out with you in the all-consuming blizzards and sub-15 degree nights that are Hamilton, NY.
Con: You yourself can never use the “but it’s cold” as an excuse to not go out when you’re actually just too lazy to put on mascara.
Pro: The locks can fit four or five coats each, so as long as you split it with your friends (hopefully you have some) even your pathetic little college budget can afford to stay warm.
Con: Even though it doesn’t cost that much, any money spent locking up your coat isn’t being used to buy drinks…
Pro: Now you don’t have to go home with the guy you so blatantly friend zoned just because he lives downtown and, despite the white apocalypse outside, you dressed like you were hitting up Miami Beach.
Con: You can forget your lock code because you were too busy drinking to drown out everyone around you finding love in a hopeless place, the Jug… Except you.
Not that I can attest to this from experience or anything…
Pro: You no longer have to post in your grade’s Facebook group awkwardly asking if anyone has your fracket even though you know that betch Becca from your Studio Art class has it because you sharpied your last name on the back.
Jokes on you Becca.
Con: If you forget to bring a coat, or worse- leave it at the pregame, this makes stealing a fracket all the more challenging. Time to start getting used to frostbite, cause that’s easier than actually being responsible for something other than yourself and your mixie.
Pro: You no longer have to worry about your fracket getting gross or wet from hiding it under the sink or next to the toilet.
There’s simply no amount of body wash in this great big world that can get rid of the feeling of Jug on your skin.
Con: You’ll never get to convince yourself on a Sunday morning that everything is fine despite losing both earrings, your gate card, your memory of sending those drunk texts to your ex, and a little bit of your pride, because you made it home with your fracket
Now with coat lock, if you don’t make it home with your fracket, I’m sure you had some MUCH bigger issues last night than that sub zero wind chill.
So, moral of the story…
See you, and your fracket, next Saturday at the Jug .