College all too often is portrayed as an idealistic bubble where students balance intense and demanding academic work and fun amidst the best times of their lives. But outside this bubble, the world exists. A world that each of us left when we moved into our tiny dorm rooms with bad lighting and identical furniture. And in those worlds, we each left ourselves. We still exist there. But we exist here, at college, too.
So the question arises: How do we go about living in two places at once?
Last fall I asked myself this question, and struggled immensely trying to find an adequate answer. With my grandfather, whom I had been close with my entire life, dying of brain cancer, I found myself spending most of my weekends completing the five hour round trip home and back in an attempt to visit him as much as I could. As I pulled into the Mary Low parking lot on Sunday nights after a two and a half hour drive, all of my assignments still waiting for me to acknowledge their existence, a sense of dread and anxiety always overtook me. I don’t want to be here, even though I do. And as I struggled to carry my bag of now clean laundry through the parking lot and into my dorm, it took everything I had to not collapse and just give up.
I was putting hundreds of miles on my car, pumping endless gallons of gas, going through podcasts at alarming speeds (I listened to them on my drives), sending endless leaving now and made it back texts, all while thrashing around helplessly, trying to stay afloat in the rough sea that is college academics. And that was the easy part. I was also coping with watching someone I love slowly become more dead than alive. It was exhausting.
Each time I had to get in my car on Sundays and make the lonely solo drive back to campus, I felt awful. Each time, I was leaving one world and one half of myself and returning to another world, where the rest of me remained.
I was sitting in a review session for my upcoming Intro to Psych final when I got the call. It’s getting close. You should come home. So in the next two hours, I packed up for the semester, knowing I would miss my finals, and loaded my life into my car and left. It was dark and snowing. I was driving faster than normal despite my parents telling me to take my time. I was petrified that he would die before I made it home.
He didn’t.
I lost my grandfather right before Christmas. And then a few short weeks later I was leaving home again, northbound to campus for JanPlan. There would be snow, cold air, and the daunting task of taking my fall semester finals waiting for me when I got there. And to top it all off, the next day I get a call from my dad. He tells me my cat died. It felt like it couldn’t get any worse. I just want to go home.
All the time spent away from school made me feel like I missed out on creating friendships. As a result, I felt even more isolated. Being at college can feel immensely lonely. One one hand, you feel like no one here really knows you, knows the part of you that you leave at home each time to return to campus. And on the other hand, you feel like your family doesn’t know the you that exists at college. You’re the only one who can see the complete picture of your full self, and it can be isolating. And terrifying. How do you bring these two selves, these two worlds together? How do you live in two places at once?
If we’re being honest here, there is no perfect way. But here are some things that I have found to be helpful:
(1) Get involved: If you don’t have a lot of things connecting you to your college community, chances are you are going to feel more isolated. While I didn’t get involved much my first year, this year I have started seeking more opportunities. I already feel less lonely, and getting involved can help you feel like you’re part of something larger than yourself. Plus, you might make some friends along the way! And friends are the epitome of loneliness killers.
(2) Set up times to be in touch: My family almost always sat down and had dinner together. Being at college, I miss out on conversations that would happen when having dinner, as well as other daily interactions. It can feel isolating when your family is interacting without you. While everyone has busy lives, you and your family can definitely find a time to communicate. Whether it be a quick phone call, a few texts, or FaceTime, making time to catch up and check in makes a huge difference. It serves as a reminder that the part of yourself that exists at home is still alive and well.
(3) Get comfortable being alone: I have always been one to like alone time, but the amount of time I was spending alone once I got to college was overwhelming sometimes. It can take some getting used to, especially if you spend your time at home surrounded by others. It took a while, but I slowly got comfortable simply being in my own company. Don’t be afraid to do things alone, whether it be eating dinner or going to the gym.
(4) Ask for help when you need it: Going to college can feel overwhelming, especially if it is your first year. There are lots of resources available to help you, but you have to take initiative and get yourself those resources! The counseling center is a great place to go for help. Talking with someone about what you’re feeling can be very beneficial. I started going to counseling last fall while dealing with my grandfather’s illness and balancing school, and it helped immensely. I was afraid to go at first, but once I got past the first appointment, it was easier and easier. There are other ways to ask for help, too. If you’re having trouble with your schoolwork, reach out to professors! They are here to help you, and in my experience, they usually are very understanding and compassionate and just want to help you succeed. You can also reach out to support systems you already have in place, like friends or family.
(5) Find some penpals: Call me old fashioned, but I like to receive some handwritten letters via good old snail mail. You can write to anyone! I have written to various family members, even my immediate family who I check in with everyday already. You could also write to friends who are at other colleges. A letter can feel more personal and thoughtful than a text, reinforcing feelings of connections with those who are not physically with you.
(6) Bring a bit of home with you: If you’re homesick, try making your dorm room or your space feel as comfortable and as much like home as possible. Whether it be bringing some decor from your room at home or hanging up pictures of friends and family, adding a personal touch to your space will make you feel less isolated and like you’re in a completely unfamiliar place.
(7) Practice self-compassion: This is much easier said than done. We tend to extend empathy and compassion to those around us, yet struggle to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding. However, with some practice and awareness, being compassionate toward yourself becomes a bit easier. The experience of living in two places is bound to mess with your thoughts and emotions. It might be frustrating feeling anxious, lonely, or uncertain. However, instead of being mad at yourself for having these feelings, try to validate and observe them without suffering their effects. It’s bad enough feeling down, but feeling bad about how your feeling only makes matters worse.
Being in college can feel like you’re living in two different places simultaneously. But if there is anything comforting about this feeling, it’s that you have the power to help yourself cope with it, and you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way.