I think it was when I began high school that I fully became aware of my body and the way that it looked in comparison to other girls. Before turning fourteen, I had never really compared myself. Yes, I had acknowledged that some girls were smaller and some were bigger, but it was always a visual observation, never one that I internalized and used as a basis to judge myself on.
Body image is the mental representation you create of yourself whether or not it reflects your true appearance. Distortions of body image are highly common for American women and can lead to severe depression and eating disorders.
It was sometime during my freshman year that my insecurities skyrocketed and my mental well being took a toll. I can vividly remember shopping for a dress for a semi-formal that I had been asked to at another school and having a complete mental breakdown in multiple dressing rooms of many stores over the course of only an hour or two. In an effort to calm me down, I was told by a sales associate that I had an “athletic body type.” While this is something that I embrace today and am proud of what it offers me, being given this term was utterly sickening for me as I sat in the corner of that dressing room disgusted with myself and how I looked in every dress I put on. Like far too many girls, I wanted to be someone I would never be. I wanted to be tall, and I wanted to be thin. I judged myself based on impossible expectations and standards we have grown to live by. I remember nights from back then where I wanted to surgically remove parts of my body to somehow become the “perfect” image I desired.
Statistics show that by age six girls start to express concerns about their body image and weight and that about one-half of all teenage girls use unhealthy weight control habits such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking, vomiting, and/or taking laxatives.
Over the course of my high school career, the image I had of myself got progressively worse. It became something so ingrained in my daily habits that I couldn’t pass a mirror without stopping and inspecting every flaw I could find. Additionally, as I became more devoted to my athletics, my body image concerns soon morphed into an obsession with healthy eating. I wanted to be stronger, leaner, and faster. Every food soon became a number, representing its calories, proteins, and carbohydrates. In my head, food was a wall that was blocking me from my goals. It was no longer seen as a way to fuel my body. I didn’t want to eat before games or races in fear that its extra weight would slow me down and that its calories would cause me to gain weight.
Athletes have a heightened risk for developing eating disorders and other unhealthy eating habits due to the pressures of competition. These themes are intensified in sports such as wrestling, running, rowing, gymnastics, etc. where your weight and appearance are seen as a critical element.
Fast forward to this past summer before I would start my freshman year at college, I was running or biking daily while obsessively limiting my caloric intake. Going out to dinner was a huge fear full of questions on what the menu entailed and how many calories were in each meal. Also, the impending college move-in day heightened my anxiety to extreme levels with the fear of the so-called “freshman fifteen,” but in actuality, I think college was what has allowed me to develop a better relationship with food. Eating meals with my friends and teammates have taught me to appreciate what I put into my body, and while I still struggle with my body image like far too many young women and men, things have gotten progressively better.
If you think that you or a friend may have an eating disorder or you just want to learn more about body image or any of the other related topics, please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ for help.