Here I am, typing, defeated after an altercation with my bully. I am drained, broken, and currently waiting on the group chat to write me back with some advice on how to handle this. Now is the most critical time in a bully’s timeline that happens long after they go back to their lives. Now is the time where I can choose to either internalize the words and actions of my bully, or I can choose to say: “Sorry ya feel that way, next!” While choosing the latter is what every one of us wishes we could do when faced with a bully, it is easier said than done. Below are some helpful tips when dealing with bullying in college, whether it be subtle or something straight out of Mean Girls.
Understand what drives the bully
For some, this first step in understanding why they are being tormented is very hard; for others, they know exactly why. There is no one motive that drives someone to hurt another person. People are complicated, and their motives can be as deep as the ocean. However, when first dealing with bullying, it may be helpful to sit down and recall some (if not all) of the interactions you have had with the bully. For me, I had recorded every interaction with my off-campus friends, so gathering that information was not hard, but looking through it and finding the source was. Every scenario I had endured I wondered: “Was something I said here offensive? Did I do something here that would make this person not like me? Was my handshake on the first day of class clammy? Or is it just my mere presence that triggers feelings of malice?” My last question helped me pinpoint why my bully tormented me. From what I could tell, I had not done a single thing to provoke this bully; it was all about the fact that the bully believed me to be in competition with them. Now a good majority of victims are in fact not Taylor Swift style fighting to get to the top of the pyramid. A good majority of us are not interested in the throne that the bully has claimed and merely want to continue our daily tasks without the added help of someone against us. Whatever your specific case may be, another thing to always keep in mind is that this is not your fault. It may seem that way at first, but at the end of the day, your bully acts this way because they are threatened, broken, angry, etc.
Ignore any more of the bully’s advances
I know, I know, this is that stuff your grade school teachers pumped into you as they turned the other cheek when you were tormented, but trust me, it is the best option. It is also the hardest option: when we are attacked mentally or even physically, we immediately want to fight back. Sometimes, our verbal responses are ten times better hours after the altercation, and we wondered why the heck we froze up and took the beating (cue me remembering all the good stuff afterward). Your bully thrives off of your comebacks. They thrive off of the rise they get out of you and when you get flustered, inside they know they’ve won. The best thing to do in the moment is to take a second to realize what is going on. This can be hard at first, but with a clear head, you are better able to react. When reacting, don’t use combative words — as they say: “Don’t stoop to their level.” Instead, bush the bully off, walk away and even just shake your head. For a friend of mine, her response in a recent class with a bully was, “I’m sure if the Professor has a problem with what I am doing, they will talk to me,” and she walked away. When you do this, the bully is thrown off for a moment. They start to wonder why you didn’t react the way they had planned when they were going over the attack in their heads. In an ideal world, the bullying would stop (in some cases it does), but sometimes the bullying may become even harsher. They may even switch gears, and instead of bullying you for your performance, they may grasp at your clothing or vice versa.
Don’t isolate yourself
This is probably the easiest thing to do as a college student. Here you are, miles from home in a school (whether it be your first semester or your last) and you feel you have no one to turn to. You immediately cocoon into a shell where your bully’s words bounce around in your head, blaring in neon yellow lights with arrows claiming that they are the truth. I ask you to never do this — and trust me, it’s hard. Even as I am writing this now, with the bully’s altercation fresh as Subway, I have to remind myself to keep active in the group chat mentioned earlier. The worst thing you can do is shut yourself off. Unfortunately, many bullies do not see the human side of their victims. They do not stop to think about the details surrounding the victim’s life that may lead them to act or dress a certain way, instead, they float in their bubble going about their day ruining others’ without blinking an eye. Keeping in contact with even one close friend can make a world of a difference. Find that one person that always listens and disclose to them the troubles you are experiencing: chances are they have gone through something similar. Bottling up the feelings you have won’t make the situation any better, but talking to people and re-empowering yourself after one of those draining altercations can be your best friend.
Do not be afraid to get an adult involved
Here we are in college, and we realize we are all adults. I recognize that my bully is an adult who makes conscious decisions for themselves and somehow sees me as an easy target (maybe it’s my Disney Princess vibe — IDK). Yet, do not be afraid to get an “adult” involved. This could be a professor if it is happening in a class, or even an RA if you are dealing with a roommate who just can’t seem to be kind. Those people are there for more reasons than just to teach you or oversee your residence. They are there to help mediate situations in which your power is simply not enough. Don’t think that it makes you weak or a snitch: it merely says that you do not have the ability to combat the bully any longer. Talk with your person, if you wish, ask them to address the situation in a roundabout way and don’t worry about repercussions. As soon as you have an adult with power involved, anything that the bully decides to do further can now be documented. A lot of times, we believe we are out here on our own in college, and we are big girls that can handle our own Regina George, but sometimes, getting a little help is just what is needed to help you carry on peacefully.
Remember, ALWAYS, you are enough
At the end of the day, when your bully has receded back into their own lives where they, too, are experiencing pain without a healthy support network, remember this: you are enough. What that person says to you, thinks about you, and spreads about you won’t make a bit of difference to the people who truly know you. What that bully does at the end of the day is only make themselves look bad. What they do to you has no effect on the love your family has for you and no effect on the love your friends have for you. If you find it does, those “friends” are not who they claim they are; weed them out to help keep your close flowers strong. You are the person your dog/cat/fish/hamster/snake etc thinks you are: a strong, smart, astounding human who has so much to offer this world. Don’t let one huff from the Big Bad Wolf extinguish your light.
If you are reading this a currently struggling with a bully, the number for Stop Bullying Now is1-800-273-TALK (8255), and, as always, all of my social media platforms are open and present a confidential platform for anyone feeling less than enough.
Stay strong collegiettes, and remember to always be kind — you never know what is going on behind a smile.
HCXO