In June, I set sail (fellow captains, see what I did there?), and travelled from Northern Virginia to Christopher Newport University, my college which lies on the opposite end of eastern Virginia. Tons of feelings reeled through my head; I was about to get my first overnight experience at the place I had chosen to spend the next 4 years of my life. While I felt equipped to handle all the academic demands and was ready to seize every professional opportunity college had to offer, there was one thing that school never properly taught me: how to make friends.
I was always the person who would talk to whoever was assigned to sit next to me in class, hoping that eventually a friendship would form but I never really branched out. For my extra-circulars, I did theatre, which involved me surrounding myself with a small group of people I spent lots of time with. However, once I got to college I realized that every friendship I had ever formed had been totally random. Even worse, I realized I had zero clue where to even start. I quickly tired of the token college freshman conversation that consists of asking people what their hometown and major is… it lacks substance. Naturally, a conversation has to start somewhere but I have always found small talk tedious and trivial.
So there I was, in a sea full of people, all which shared the same desire to make friends as I did, and yet the idea of starting a conversation became foreign in my mind. Anxiety would quickly take over, my mind rapidly spiraled over everything that could go wrong when approaching someone. Thoughts from every corner of my brain shouted negative comments like “They could be mean, I could stutter, we might have nothing in common.” As a result of this overwhelming anxiety, the first few days of orientation I kept my lips sealed, only really speaking to my roommate- and she and I are still friends today (so I guess I did one thing right).
As the week went on, the extroverts in my orientation group sniffed my introversion out, and started to include me in conversations. This next part is gonna sound silly — but about halfway through the week, something magical happened: I climbed a rock wall. Okay, so I guess technically that’s not magical, but it certainly changed my mindset; if I could climb a rock wall, I could make friends. However with the week almost over, I felt I was out of time to actually make a friend, so I decided I would try again during “Welcome Week”.
welcome week
During Welcome Week, I once again found myself clueless. I had the confidence to make friends, yet lacked the skills. I came full force, trying to make friends any and everywhere. I struck up random conversations in the dining hall, went to every event, and made an effort to ask people about themselves, rather than rambling on all about me. Yet, nothing stuck. No one I had a random conversation with ever followed up, nor did I. And the dining hall conversations I told you about, one of them ended up being an RA, not an incoming freshman. I gave countless people my Instagram and number, just to have no one reach out ever. As hard as I tried, I felt like as I grasping desperately at straws with a severe lack of methodology. So, overall, my welcome week was an epic fail and once the semester got going, it got harder to find opportunities to make friends. Ultimately, I decided to take the loss and try again second semester.
Second semester success
By the time the second semester arrived, I had grown exhausted by my own loneliness. As I was kicking myself for not being able to make friends in a place I chose to be, I came to realization: I had absolutely nothing to lose. Without a reputation or friends, there was an absolutely clean slate. I very quickly started taking all sort low-gamble risks. I talked to everyone about what they were doing and scoured for opportunities to established friendships.
The first few days of that were really exhausting, but eventually my tireless searching paid off. I joined two more organizations and suddenly I started seeing people I knew everywhere on campus. All I needed was time and consistency, then I found that talking to people wasn’t so scary.
tips and tricks to make friends as in introvert
Having experienced a whirlwind of emotions within the span of my freshman year of college, I can confidently I received some really strong advice and some advice that I would never wish another soul (certainly not an introverted one) to hear. So, from one introvert to another — here’s some quick tricks to help find your place:
- Do what you love and friends will come to you
The power of similar interests is extensive, and if someone cares enough to pursue something in college, it’s likely they have previous experience with them. BOOM! That’s a conversation starter right there, then keep asking them about who they are and get to know the person you’re talking to. And now you have a new friend!
2. If they don’t follow up, it’s their loss
Arriving to college, I was horrified at the amount of people I exchanged contact information that never actually reached out. Actually, literally no one did. When dealing with that many people, you have to be proactive and ask them, because with all the adjustments that come with college, texting a stranger can easily slip one’s mind. If someone never texts you, all it means is that they missed out on a great friendship.
3. Take risks
I know this one sounds basic and cliche, but it’s true. During your time in college, you should embrace all the unique opportunities you encounter, because they may never come again. Consider every person you meet a potential friend that you don’t want to let pass you by, just like you would any opportunity. Breaking the high school mentality of cliques and clubs is difficult, but once you do, it’s incredibly freeing.
4. Don’t make assumptions
Okay, I don’t mean this in a “don’t judge a book by the cover way,” as that’s a well know sentiment. People have thousand of experiences, reasons, and schedules to not establish a friendship with you. Alternatively, and maybe this is mean to say, it’s partially trial and error. Sometimes two people aren’t compatible as friends, it might have nothing to do with how much they like or dislike you. It might just not fit, and that’s okay. Whatever the reason may be for someone to pull back from your offer of friendship, don’t beat yourself up about.
5. Be yourself
This one is cliche, but it’s the truth. At the beginning of college I remember making an effort to get people to like me, exaggerating my experiences and agreeing with things to just appease them. Obviously still be kind to these people that you may not click with, but don’t force yourself into friendships that aren’t actually compatible, it will just lead to more hurt later.
Making friends in college can seem daunting, but it will happen eventually. The worst piece of advice I received on how to make friends in college was that “it will just happen.” No, it won’t. College is a fresh start where you are able to write your own story, but you have to think about who the characters in that story will be and ensure that you are surrounding yourself with the right people, not just people you were randomly grouped with.