As Valentine’s Day approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past relationships. It’s the first time I’ve been single on Valentine’s Day in four-ish years. So, that day is kind of daunting.
My therapist and I have been discussing boundaries this week, so I wanted to open a space for conversation. To be very honest, I don’t think I realized exactly what boundaries were. They word “boundary” gets tossed around by college aged people all the time. But I don’t think they realize what a boundary actually is, and how easily the line can be blurred. As the season of romance and heartbreak swell, I just thought I’d share my new revelation on boundaries.
Boundaries are defined as rules, limits, or guidelines that are created to establish comfort and safety in a relationship. Sometimes boundaries seem obvious. For example, in a relationship, an obvious boundary is to not cheat on someone or to not lie. Those boundaries are explicit and well-known as you enter a partnership. Other boundaries may get fuzzy if both parties are not on the same page. For example, a boundary for someone may be to not become physical too quickly, or to take a relationship slowly. But if the other partner is familiar or respectful of these boundaries, it could cause a lot of pain and harm.
I know that probably sounds very simple. Of course, I’ve been in many situations where my boundaries have been pushed and broken without even realizing. What I’m working on now is becoming clear with my boundaries to myself. Someone should respect your boundaries no matter what, but it does help your partner to better understand when YOU better understand your own boundaries.
I’m also learning that boundaries aren’t always physical. Boundaries are also emotional and psychological. For example, if you’re giving and giving more and more to someone who is not giving that same care back to you, they’re violating a boundary. Or if you keep adjusting for someone, but see that they aren’t adjusting for you, they’re absolutely taking advantage of you. And that can go for a friendship or relationship.
Once you’re clear on your own boundaries, it makes gives you the opportunity to share these concerns with your partner. It does not need to be accusatory, more informative. You want to advocate for yourself without attacking your partner. You should be direct on what you expect and want from them going forward.
I know people can become attached to partners and feel as if they must stay. Believe me, I’ve stayed with someone a lot longer than I should because I just couldn’t imagine what it would be like without them. But if this person is disrespecting your boundaries and cannot follow the rules you’ve clearly laid out, then you have to move on. You cannot stay with someone who is knowingly, actively hurting you. If you’ve given friends instructions on how you would like to be treated, and they cannot follow it, you need to let them go.
I know that’s frightening, and hard, and uncomfortable. But imagine how uncomfortable you will be if you stay. If you continue on this path where your boundaries mean nothing to the person who claims to love you.
Perhaps this is me projecting because I’m learning so much about my own relationships. Past and present. Maybe it’s because I finally feel comfortable advocating for my boundaries and needs. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve learned I can live without people who have hurt me.
If anyone out there is struggling in any kind of relationship where boundaries are broken, I hope this article helps. Set clear boundaries with the people in your lives. Remain true to yourself and don’t let others sway you away from what YOU are comfortable with.