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Completely Sincere Tips for How to Start The Semester Off Better

College is serious business. Everything you do from the moment you arrive, completely and entirely matters, if you don't do everything perfectly, your university will tumble into the ocean and it will be all your fault (yes, even you, first year student at University of Kansas, Kansas will rise up, specifically so that your dorm can roll until it hits the Pacific).

  1. 1. Treat Your Body Right

    Sled dogs weigh about 50lbs and consume about 4,500 calories a day. Do out the math for your weight and eat at least that so that you can be sure that you're ready to run 1,000 miles over the course of two weeks if neccessary. Look at their joy. Don't you want that joy? Isn't that how you feel in the gym?

  2. 2. Start your Relationship with your Roommate Off Right

    In nature, when a group of animals of the same species are in one place, they work out a hierarchy of dominance. Make sure you're at the top of the hierarchy in your dorm. Wear your roommate's clothes as a power move. Demand first taste of their food. Spray your perfume everywhere to claim the space. 

  3. 3. Plan Your Time Well

    What are you doing right now? Reading dumb listicles online????? ENJOYING YOURSELF?????? HAVING FUN????????? Sacriledge. You have 35040 hours in four years. If you are wasting a single moment of that, dishonor on you and dishonor on your cow. 

  4. 4. Use the Resource on Campus to Your Advantage

    But not too much, or too little, or too often, or too rarely. Maybe you're better off just living in the student resources offices, but maybe you should clear that with Residential Life. 

  5. 5. Try New Things

    Sign up for every club. Every class. Yes, including that discrete math course that sounds like torture. You must take everything literally. And do everything. That you've never done before. Because there are endless hours in a day. Why just have one or two passions that you love and that fill you with joy when you can do everything poorly?

Want some actual advce? Here's some actually helpful tips for the new semester