Imagining myself walking onto a college campus this semester, I was hoping to settle into a place where I could develop a new version of myself. I was looking forward to the late nights of laughter with my roommate, spirited game days cheering for my school’s team, exploring campus, and meeting new people. I guess now you could say I was hoping for a lot. During the summer I tried everything that I could to assure that I would live on campus. I knew if I stayed home for school I would miss out. I found myself getting in more arguments with my parents and mentally already feeling disconnected. But to my surprise now, I often have a lingering feeling in the back of my head that would jump at any opportunity to go back home for the weekend. Even though I feel like I’m stuck in the past whenever I go home, the comfort that I still struggle to feel at my dorm makes it worth it.
Now I find myself walking alone around campus realizing all the expectations of college that have fallen short. I never got to have a roommate, fun game days, or the chance to meet new people just walking around campus. These small but important details were not the only thing that surprised me about college. I thought college would fix me. Subconsciously, I thought I would be less anxious, I thought I would be less obsessed with eating habits, I thought I would be more positive, I thought I would feel secure, I thought I would be different. I thought this place would feel like a home.
I knew the remarks about high school being the best years were oblivious lies, but I did not think or want it to be true about college. The reality is that college is hard, living on your own is hard, and Covid-19 has made life harder. College is not what I expected.