Relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially in college, where you’re surrounded by so many new and diverse people. I know that a lot of students struggle to feel like they belong, whether it’s in a friend group, a club on campus, or a classroom. One major contributor to this feeling is confirmation bias. The good news is that you can overcome this bias once you understand what it is and how it affects your interpersonal relationships.
Confirmation bias is the tendency to notice and seek out information that supports your preexisting beliefs. For example, if you think your friend doesn’t like you, you will, consciously or subconsciously, look for actions and behaviors that support the opinion. This belief makes it easy for you to focus on every “bad” thing they do, such as replying to a text late, not asking to hang out, or forgetting something, further reinforcing this bias. When this happens, you tend to forget the times they actually showed up and cared.
Of course, it is important to evaluate your relationships and take action if they are unhealthy, but sometimes we experience negativity because of our own interpretations. When you have a certain belief that constantly gets reinforced, it can cause you to behave in a way that inevitably continues that cycle. This is essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy. Since this belief is deeply ingrained in your mind, even neutral or unintentional actions can be interpreted negatively because they easily fit into the narrative you’ve created.
Over time, this vicious cycle can foster resentment and one-sided tension, making it difficult to build true emotional safety, trust, and healthy relationships.
Confirmation bias can also work in reverse. In certain relationships, you may be romanticizing the other person. You may focus more on the good things they do and the fun times you have together, causing you to overlook potential red flags.
In both cases, your bias will never be resolved if you don’t properly communicate. After you acknowledge your bias, here are some ways you can challenge it:
- Switch Your Focus: Try focusing on the opposite perspective. If you’ve been noticing every flaw or negative action, actively look for and remember the positive ones, and vice versa. Think of it like a research experiment: you’re testing your assumptions and collecting evidence. This can help you determine whether your bias is true or not.
- Be Curious & Open-Minded: Get comfortable challenging your judgments. Replace your judgments with questions and alternate scenarios. Not every action is about you. For example, perhaps your friend was having a rough day and wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings when they didn’t text you back for a while.
Once you’ve gathered evidence and changed your behavior to match your new belief, you will hopefully know whether your bias was right or not. A lot of the time, our interpretations can cause us to go down a rabbit hole of negative scenarios, but understanding and recognizing confirmation bias can help prevent that. However, there are also instances where your bias might be right, and the next steps can look like having a conversation and expressing how you feel. It is important to communicate these things, regardless of whether your bias is right or not, in order to strengthen your relationship. A lot of times, honest communication can ease a lot of the social worries we may have! Relationships aren’t always easy, but understanding your own biases can help you find your people and your place.