In a generation that popularized terms like “situationship“, “friends with benefits” and “talking stage“, defining a relationship seems increasingly difficult. To what extent is it possible to set limits for something as unpredictable as love?
There has never been so many different ways of relating, and at the same time, there has never been so much talk about love anxiety, misaligned expectations and fear of commitment. Do casual relationships really work or are we trying to control something that can’t be controlled?
Casual relationships and related terms
One of the most used terms: situationships. It means having romantic connections without clear labels or commitments or clear definitions about the future. They often include affection, intimacy, and shared time but lack a strong commitment.
Situationship is a combination of the words “situation” and “relationship”. The term suggests a circumstance that is complex, uncertain, or difficult to define.
The expression began to appear in the late 2000s and became increasingly popular during the mid-2010s. By the early 2020s, it had become widely used, particularly in discussions about the challenges of modern dating and romantic relationships.
The definition of a situationship can vary, but it generally refers to a connection involving some degree of intimacy between people who consider themselves more than friends, yet have not established exclusivity or officially defined their relationship.
The popularity of the term may stem from its ability to describe a specific and increasingly common experience in contemporary romance. The expression friends with benefits is similar, but it focuses on sexual intimacy and typically suggests that both people are not interested in pursuing a more committed relationship.
Situationships question the traditional path that romantic relationships are often expected to follow: dating, commitment, marriage, and having children. Members of Gen Z usually feel at ease with this type of relationship. They concentrate on how they feel in the present instead of worrying about what may come next. There is also a rebellious side to it, since they push back against relationship norms and expectations that have influenced couples’ lives for many years.
Does this really work?
But does postponing reflection on feelings really work? Is there any way not to feel something? Is it possible to stop yourself from falling in love?
Although this type of relationship emphasizes living in the present and avoiding strict definitions, emotions do not always follow agreements or expectations. As intimacy and shared experiences increase, it is common for one or both individuals to develop deeper emotional attachments, even when that was not their original intention.
Clinical psychologist Ana Paula Bizerra, who addresses cognitive behavioral therapy, states that:
“When we are in love, there is a self-release of dopamine in our brain, which enters a temporary state of biological stress, reducing the ability to make decisions, generating an addictive behavior. It’s something biological, it’s not just behavioral, you can’t choose whether or not to fall in love. So, it’s as if there were a blockage in our logical reasoning, which is why it is difficult, but it is not impossible to avoid feelings even during an initial agreement of a casual relationship.”
Ana Paula also points out that no one is immune to this process. According to her, everyone lives with functional thoughts, which approach reality, and dysfunctional thoughts, which can distort the way we interpret certain situations. During falling in love, these distortions can become more frequent, causing the person to create unrealistic expectations or ignore signs that the relationship is not corresponding to their needs.
We can see this dynamic in the relationship between Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big in Sex and the City. Anyone who has watched the series can probably remember how emotionally attached Carrie was to Big, while he treated the relationship much more casually and often avoided being clear about his feelings. The different expectations constantly made them out of sync.
Throughout the series, Carrie often finds herself asking for things that are considered basic in relationships: attention, recognition and commitment. Their relationship become an example of how a lack of clear definitions can lead to frustration and emotional pain, especially when one person is far more emotionally invested than the other.
How to get out of this?
Getting out of a situationship can be even more difficult precisely because there is emotional involvement, but no clarity of a formal relationship or the typical closure of a breakup.
One of the first steps is to recognize what you really want from the relationship. It is important to ask yourself if you are happy with the current situation or if you remain in it hoping that it will turn into something more. Many people remain in a situationship because they believe that the other person may change their mind over time.
It is also essential to be honest about your own feelings. Developing expectations or creating a deeper emotional bond does not mean failure, but a way to better understand one’s own affective needs.
According to neuropsychologist Pamella Freitas, an expert in relationships, borderline personality disorder and ADHD, what can be controlled are people’s behaviors, boundaries, and the choices they make in response to their feelings. Emotional bonds, she explains, are not determined solely by the initial intention behind a relationship, but also by the way it develops and strengthens over time.
Another important point is to pay attention to attitudes, and not just to promises. When someone claims to like the other person, but continues to avoid commitment, clarity or reciprocity, the behavior tends to reveal more about their intentions than words.
Setting limits may also be necessary. If the relationship is causing suffering, decreasing contact or ending involvement can be a way to protect one’s own emotional well-being. Maintaining the same dynamic waiting for a different result usually prolongs the pain.
For those who want to deal better with feelings, Ana Paula suggests strategies to develop emotional self-control and maintain affective balance: “You can control through emotional self-control, with the help of a psychologist, doing this self-analysis, focusing on your dreams, your ideals, establishing links and limits. Focusing on yourself, investing in studies, hobbies and goals also helps to maintain an emotional balance. Not that you will be able to be totally exempt from this, but from the moment this feeling arises, it is important to stop and look at it, wondering what you want to avoid with this feeling, why you want to avoid it or why you want to live it. This is important, because it allows you to do this self-analysis”.
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The article above was edited by Sofia Kansbock Bianco.
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