I had a recent conversation with my mom about how dating changes as time goes by. There has been a shift from formal courtship to a more casual form of dating dominated by social platforms and plagued by numerous talking stages. And what even is a talking stage, you might ask? A “talking stage” is the modern term for when two people communicate, usually online and non-exclusively, before forming a relationship (if one ever forms). Basically, the handwritten letters sent back and forth between lovers, “Pride and Prejudice” style, have been traded for late-night messaging with the underlying question of “so what even is this?”
First, let us take a look into the past to see how courtship transformed into modern dating. During the 1960s, the standard relationship stemmed from social circles or family connections and thrived on proactive in-person initiatives. As the internet developed in the ‘80s and ‘90s, dating became less formal. After the 2000s, however, the digital world took over, revolutionizing the way relationships are formed.
The addition of the internet to the dating scene has worked wonders in connecting the world through providing platforms of quick communication in the form of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and even Tinder, among others. However, these innovative platforms have completely ruined the way that real connections are formed. Roughly 40% of couples have met online through social media platforms or dating apps. This revolutionized system of instantaneous connection and communication with strangers has made it much easier for casual relationships to develop and be maintained.
Not only has the virtual world made it easier to become more detached, but it has also opened up the opportunity for pre-dating, a way of evaluating if a person is worth a full date. This comes in the form of stalking social media profiles and even informal meetings. These baby steps lead to soft beginnings and soft launches, with unclear boundaries and secretive commitments. Most choose to keep their relationships to themselves until they feel secure enough in their relationship. Oddly, with how short-lived a social media post exists on our screens, it seems a pretty permanent way of communicating the status of their love life.
Social media has further provided more options and choices when it comes to when we would like to communicate — or avoid communicating — with potential partners. Connection through a phone can be hit or miss. There are a billion things to pay attention to when gauging whether a person cares enough or is into you: how quickly do they respond, do they send long messages, use punctuation or emojis? Any non-verbal cue could mean everything or nothing at all; who is to say? The vagueness of these conversations creates multiple interpretations for each virtual interaction, avoiding a singular definition for a relationship.
Dating currently most often begins as “half-dating,” showing up for each other based on convenience rather than true commitment. The “talking stage” — not dating but not nothing — has great appeal to people who are interested in a relationship but want the safety net of being able to disappear if it becomes “too serious” for them. With no official label, the ritual of “ghosting” has made it far too acceptable to disappear without explanation.
Some say that “talking” is lower risk, but is it really? Sure, you might avoid the vulnerability of meeting face-to-face if you start with casual conversation behind a screen, but what if that casual conversation never evolves past the talking stage? As of right now, it seems that talking has replaced much of dating, making the way standard relationships were formed in the 1960s seem entirely foreign.
So how do we skip past the “talking stage” trap? It is all about getting to know the real-life version of the person you are interested in. Avoid the endless surface-level texting and jump to face-to-face interactions. Avoiding a persistent talking stage allows you to see who the real person is, rather than being met with a customized persona or character. Fostering organic connections is the best way to create and maintain a real relationship, and if you are lucky enough, you can skip right past the no-man’s-land of a talking stage.