“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we’d have a pretty good time.” – Edith Wharton
Growing up, I always had these ideas of how I wanted my life to be and what happiness would mean to me, and I don’t think I was alone in this.
I wanted to be friends with certain people because I thought they would bring me laughter and joy. I wanted to dress a certain way because I thought I would fit in more. I wanted to physically look a certain way to be happy. The list goes on and on.
But boy, was I wrong in my thinking.
I idolized the characters in books and people in magazines, so I tried to be more like them. Looking back, my thinking was completely flawed and warped from all the media and entertainment I saw growing up. Never once in the magazines or movies I watched growing up did I see someone who looked like me in the sixth grade being happy; they were almost always the characters that never existed or were teased but eventually became accepted or changed.
That never brought me happiness; it pretty much brought me misery.
It wasn’t until I got to university that my thinking really started to change, and I realized that I couldn’t pre-plan happiness. The jump from high school to university was probably the scariest, but also one of the best things that could have happened to me. I learned really quickly that no one cared about the things I did and what I wore or how I looked, and in turn, I realized that those things never really mattered and never brought me happiness.
Looking back, I feel like I wasted so much time caring about what others thought about me and how I would be happy that I was never as happy as I am now. I had to re-learn what happiness was and how it wasn’t something I should control or take for granted. I learned from some amazing people that happiness is something that is entirely out of my control, and I’ll find it in the places that were always there if I just stopped caring.
Happiness was always there; I just had to let go of my inner ways of thinking and see what was right in front of me.
It isn’t about being friends with specific people but rather being friends with people I trust and value and know would be there for me if there was ever anything.
It isn’t about wearing certain things to look cool or fit in. Dressing for my comfort is something that makes me happy. I shouldn’t be dressing for anyone but myself.
It isn’t about how I look physically; I can’t change the things about me that were always meant to be there.
Happiness for me is about being true to myself and not changing who I am for others. Understanding that it is something that I can’t control and just letting go of the things that are not bringing me any joy. Happiness will always be there, I just have to let it manifest in its own way, and as I grow up, it will change, but that’s okay.
Happiness will continue to grow as I do. But it isn’t something anyone can control.