A couple weeks ago I reached the milestone that every college-aged student waits for in anticipation, my twenty-first birthday. As the day came and went, I realized that even though a moment I thought would be life-changing passed, I didn’t feel much different at all. In fact, the expectation I had of feeling like an adult and being able to enter spaces reserved for “grown-ups” was far from reality. Throughout my formative years as I watched people around me grow older, it always seemed like they got their lives together a little more each year. When I was nineteen I thought by twenty I’d feel more like I fit into the world, and I said the same at twenty about twenty-one. However, I feel just as lost as before, if not more.Â
I was talking to my roommate the other day about normal girl-chat topics. We discussed boys, the upcoming semester, and our feelings towards this chapter in our lives. Our conversation shifted to the discomfort we both feel around being this age. We’re stuck in between not being a naive and carefree teenager without the luxury of having an established career or relationships. We both agreed on the fact that twenty-one feels like an age where you’re supposed to have everything figured out, yet neither of us does. I was relieved to hear someone else sharing the same feelings of unease about whether or not every decision we make is a step in the right direction, but as I reflected on the conversation I was struck with wondering why does this experience feel so universal? Are these feelings based on internal judgement or from the societal pressure to have everything figured out?Â
Since freshman year, my life was pretty clearly laid in front of me. Go to undergrad, transition to law school after, then build the career of my dreams. I prioritize school, exhaust myself with extracurriculars, and have built a resume I’m beyond proud of. Despite looking put together on paper, I can’t shake the feeling that everything is falling apart and I’m always a step behind my peers. Beyond academics, I feel this way about every aspect of my life.Â
These feelings are not exclusive to being twenty-one. My entire life I have compared myself to the people around me and how some people seem to fit into spaces that just don’t feel made for me. However, when you’re a twenty-something girl trying to navigate friendships, dating, and just figuring out yourself, they become amplified. It feels like everyone got a crash course on how to navigate the world on a day I was absent. Social timelines exist, we just never admit it. It’s a conversation we should be having with each other and ourselves intentionally, not just during a random debrief.Â
I’ve shared my personal experiences because I know to some extent this feeling is universal. We all seem to be moving along an ambiguous timeline, one full of uncertainty and insecurity we rarely talk about. There is no expiration date on love, friendships, or the feeling of belonging. Instead of seeing this time as a race to get everything figured out, use it as a time to embrace transition and introspection. There’s no first place prize for having everything figured out, but there’s reward in knowing you didn’t rush or pressure yourself to get to the finish line. While this period in our lives can feel daunting, it’s important to celebrate how far you’ve come and appreciate this age for what it is. Life doesn’t have to be figured out at twenty-one, because life isn’t something that should be figured out entirely. Every day is a new chance to realize that feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s proof that you care about where you’re going, and for now that’s enough.Â
So to anyone feeling stuck or behind and uncomfortable with those feelings, just know I’m right there with you. It can be lonely pretending like we know what we’re doing while silently hoping someone else will admit they don’t either. If we were more open about feeling lost, we could see that it doesn’t mean we are flawed, it proves we are human. Maybe instead of getting stuck comparing we could start connecting. It’s a brave thing to navigate the world at such a young age, but the bravest thing we can do is admit we don’t know what we are doing, and talk about it anyway. I don’t have anything figured out at twenty-one, and you don’t have to either.Â