At the timid age of twelve, I realized I felt something towards girls that went past friendship.Â
In middle school, I had an interesting group of friends. One girl was quite conservative and proud about it, some were out and proud queer, and some (including me) were still kind of navigating the world and our values. One thing I always believed in though was that not one single person was born a “mistake”. I supported both queer and transgender people (even though I was slightly confused at this age), and was battling whether or not I actually agree with the conservative values I was raised with. Everything started to change once I discovered something incredibly profound: I, myself, was queer. I didn’t have a label back then, I didn’t even know what many of the labels meant. But, I was inspired to start some research and explore this new enlightenment in my life.
Then Covid-19 hit and changed everyone’s lives, including me. I was thirteen and in eighth grade when lockdowns first started and by the time schools were back in session my sophomore year, I came to a conclusion: I was bisexual (Spoiler Alert: this will change). In the time spent at home and almost completely online, I fully immersed myself in LGBTQ+ communities and histories. As a result of this, I also started to challenge many of the conservative ideas I was raised with regarding race and gender issues. Through figuring out my sexuality, I opened the doors to becoming more socially aware for so many other civil groups and issues than I previously had with my upbringing.Â
From sophomore year to high school graduation, I still held onto my bisexual identity. For a moment of self-reflection, I want to emphasize that looking back, I don’t think I was ever bisexual or into men at all. Any male “crush” I had in high school felt forced and I would always think “if I had to choose a guy to date, maybe it would be him.” There were never any natural butterflies or heart-thumping moments when it came to boys. Yet, the first female crush I developed hit me like a damn truck. I remember every class period with her my heart would quicken and feel like a ticking time-bomb in my chest, and talking to her would give me an insane amount of serotonin. Just simply seeing her each day gave me motivation to come to class. She never knew I was queer (or so I think), but the experience was incredibly defining for me. The reason I kept wanting to be bisexual or convincing myself I was, was that it gave me the possibility that I may not disappoint my family in the future and could potentially marry a man. On the other hand, the thought of marrying a man always placed this sickening feeling in my stomach and distaste in my mouth.
Along with helping me towards my future as a clinical psychologist, college also helped me figure out and realize I am, in fact, a lesbian. As I finally started going into the dating world and figuring out who I want in a partner, the realization came pretty quick. The moment I started to play around with the idea of labeling myself a lesbian, I felt more comfortable and confident in myself than I ever had in my entire life.Â
Now, how did being a lesbian change my life? It gave me confidence. It gave me friendship. It gave me community. And it gave me a sense of self to be proud of. Even when I still identified as bisexual, being queer gave me the motivation to keep going and have something about myself that is unique to be proud of and fight for.
Then, being queer in itself influenced me to seek out others who are queer when it came to connections and long-term friendships. Funny thing – my friend group right now is almost all queer, and it wasn’t even intentional. My freshman year roommate and I were random, and when we first became friends with our upstairs neighbors, we knew almost nothing personal about them either.Â
But, finding common ground through queerness and similar experiences brought us closer and provided a solid foundation for getting to know each other. Going into the details, my friend (one of the upstairs neighbor from freshman year and now one of my roommates), who is also a lesbian, has given me a safe space I’ve never had with anyone else in my life. There are times when I feel like only she understands me and vice versa, and this deep friendship wouldn’t have happened without me figuring out my lesbian identity, which is strange to think about.Â
I’m still not out to many of my family members, and there are moments in my life I do unfortunately feel the need to hide who I am, but at the same time, I would not have wished for any other path in my life. My sexuality opened the doors to a life full of awareness, happiness, connection, and love. To those who feel stuck or have confused feelings about themselves and their identity, it will be okay. I’m 19 years old and was in the closet (and I still am to many) from the ages of 13-17, and it took me years to fully understand and feel comfortable with myself.Â
Take your time, and learn to love yourself even in the moments you feel most alone. Find those parts of yourself that you’re proud of and hold them close.
If you or someone you know are experiencing mental health issues regarding LGBTQ+ matters, please contact 1‑866‑488‑7386 via the Trevor Project.