“I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean towards the opposite.” I stare at these words written by Shane Koyczan that are etched on a sticky note and placed on my desk. I try to think back to a time when I can truly say that I love who I was at that moment, but no memory comes to mind. Despite that though, I do love who I am.
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You see, I feel like I’m always in a love/hate relationship with myself. Some days I like myself more than others, but there are those days where I can’t stand who I am. There are so many places in my life where hate seeps through and overcomes me. It’s times like those where I think about if I really do love myself.
I hate myself for a lot of reasons. Growing up, I was a chubby kid, and granted I still am, but I’ve always hated how I look. I hated the way certain clothes fit me. I hated the fact that I don’t have a defined jawline, and just overall I hated that I didn’t look like most girls. I hate myself for some of the decisions I made over time. I have so many regrets over things that I just can’t seem to forgive myself for. I hate how shy and submissive I can be. I hate myself for all the times I stayed silent when I could’ve spoken up. These are just some of the things that hold me back from loving myself.
On the other hand, I love myself for a lot of reasons. I love my chubby cheeks. I love myself for being funny and being able to come up with lame-witty puns to make others laugh. I love how ambitious I am and how willing I am to pursue what I really want. I love myself for overcoming my fears and putting myself out there. I love myself because I am awkwardly funny sometimes. I love myself because I’m able to connect people together. I love myself because I am trying. These are just some of the things I love about myself.
How do you overcome the feeling of self-hate? Honestly, I’m not really sure myself. You see, loving yourself is hard and there are so many times where I find it easier to let the hate consume me instead of finding a reason to love myself. Then I remember that love is a word that encompasses all feelings, even hate. And that makes me think that if I didn’t hate myself, then I wouldn’t appreciate the moments where I do love myself. I think of the hate as a fleeting feeling, one that’s only attached by a string that can be easily cut. With that being said, I feel like a lot of the hate that we find in ourselves is attached to a part of us we can’t forgive. It might be something we did but regretted, and that makes us hate ourselves. But if we find it in ourselves to forgive ourselves, only then can love come in. We have to learn to love the parts we hate about ourselves.
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I think as important as it is to love yourself, you also have to surround yourself with people who love you, as superficial as that sounds. I don’t think I could’ve learned to love myself if it weren’t for those around me. My friends and family are the ones who erased some of the darkest shades of hate that I colored myself in. They help me love some of the parts of me that I thought were unlovable. It’s important to remember that you are never alone in this process of loving yourself. If there are people who can love you for you, then you can love yourself too.
To love yourself is a means, not an end. You won’t just wake up one day and be like “I love myself,” and expect it to be like that for the rest of your life. It’s a process that you will continually go through, filled with trials of hate and epiphanies of love. This is really the only life that we’ll live. In this life, everyone deserves to be happy with who they are… everyone deserves to love themselves. For me, even though it seems like there are times where this feeling of self-hate is a never-ending wave, I still love myself, deep down inside, I know I love myself.
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I hope you too find it in yourself to find the courage to love yourself, even when you don’t.