I have always been hard on myself when it comes to grades. Staying up all night to study for a midterm, writing a paper, and even working on math homework was never an issue for me. If I had to sacrifice my well being in order to get an A on a test, I would do it in a heartbeat. Why you ask? It all rooted from not being able to control the situations and events that happen to me. That was where I found that the one thing that I could have full control over is my performance in school.
Ever since I was little, I had a hard time comprehending math. I wish I knew why but it has always been that way. So, when I decided to take pre-calc this semester as a college student, even though I struggled in my junior year of high school, I thought I could redeem myself. I studied really hard to get decent to good scores on my quizzes and it was then that I finally started to become proud of myself. So when our midterm for the class came up, I studied twice as hard to maintain the grade I had created. I would spend late nights in my dorm studying and get extra tutoring to make sure I had everything locked down. However, the day before the midterm I became overwhelmed with stress. I barely got any sleep throughout the week and I was dealing with some personal problems. I immediately called my mom and expressed my worries about the upcoming midterm. To all of my troubles, she said, “If you work hard then it will always show in your performance.” So why didn’t it show?
The Sunday after I had taken my test my Professor posted my midterm grade on Blackboard. I shut the door to my dorm bedroom and opened up the portal. To my shock, I had failed. I immediately emailed my professor to meet the next morning to go over my test. When we met in her office she sat me down and told me I needed to put in twice the amount of effort. As we began to go over my test, tears started to stream down my face. I felt way too overwhelmed by what she was asking of me. I had put in so much work, why didn’t it show in my performance like my mom said it would? Why wasn’t I enough? Throughout the week I began to beat myself up over getting a bad grade. I beat myself up so much that it affected my physical health and I got sick. It was in my sickness where I had to remind myself that one bad grade did not define me.
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Who am I outside of this bad grade? Ask yourself that…
When someone says tell me about yourself, I don’t say, “I am this bad math midterm grade.”
I say…
I am loving to all around me. I am a carefree girl who puts family first and will do anything for them. I enjoy making others laugh and enjoy life. I am a sucker for all things romantic. I still cry watching every Disney movie even though I am almost twenty. I am a good friend who will always be there for you when you need me. I will hold your hand when you are scared and I will always be your shoulder to cry on. I am passionate about things that I love and I put my all into my work. I care about the well being of humanity, I believe in change. Most of all, I am a child of God and I am living to serve Him. Ask yourself, what are the amazing qualities that you are made up of? What are the things that you love? What do you enjoy? Those are the qualities that make you who you are. I know it is so easy to forget it all when times get hard but, when you find it again, hold on to it. Write it down. This is a practice I am still trying to learn to do in the midst of midterm season.
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When you put all things into perspective, one bad grade doesn’t measure up to all the wonderful things that you are. You are more than one bad grade, and you are more than all of the negative thoughts in your head. You are enough and you are loved. This midterm season, remind yourself that no matter the grade, you are still you.