Welcome to Ask Gumby, advice from the Regals of Cal Lutheran.
Gumby, or Enormous Luther, presides over the campus of California Lutheran University with his arms stretched wide to encompass everyone with his love and grace. This help column has tried to remember these values in answering questions so that every answer is considerate and supportive. We’re opening our arms to your questions!
In each article there will be a question, submitted by a reader, and multiple different outlooks and opinions on what should be done in response to that question. Let us begin.
“Dear Gumby, I’m a guy that has a crush on another guy (let’s call him Tony). It’s been a while since I’ve had a crush after almost 2 years of just casually hooking up. Tony and I have hooked up a few times, and that’s been fun, but I also feel a deeper emotional connection to him. I don’t know exactly how he feels about me. Where it gets more complicated is that Tony has a boyfriend. Tony and his boyfriend (let’s call him Bob) are in an open-relationship, so they’re free to pursue hooking-up and casual dating with others. I know that Tony would identify as polyamorous and has been in polyamorous relationships in the past (eg he and his ex husband had a mutual boyfriend that they both dated simultaneously). If Tony and Bob were not a couple, I would ask Tony to pursue something more serious with me. However, I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship or current relationship by rocking the boat / overstepping boundaries. One thought I had was to ask for clarification on Tony and Bob’s open relationship and what that allows for or maybe get a clearer idea on how Tony views “us”, but I’d rather stay where we are than risk losing what we have. Tony lives pretty far, so we don’t get to see each other that often either, so a full relationship probably wouldn’t work now in a practical sense, and I know that I am probably more emotionally invested in him and I right now (which makes sense given that he has a primary emotional companion and I don’t). This might be a question you don’t have the experience to answer, but I thought it’d be worth asking: any thoughts on what I should do? Should I just move on?”
– Complicated Crushing
Dear Complicated Crushing,
It’s time to start thinking about what’s best for you! What do YOU want?
Opinion 1: Stay in the relationship but watch out for yourself! If this relationship is really important to you then you must find a way to feel comfortable with it. If asking Tony what he truly feels about you seems like the right thing to do regardless of the risk, then do it. Living with doubts, especially when you need to trust someone else, is not easy. It’s also super important when taking part in an open relationship (which some of us are in right now as well) that you make sure boundaries and limits are CLEAR. No matter how uncomfortable, awkward, or weird the conversation may feel, it is crucial that you both state what you want out of it, what you’re comfortable with (both physically and emotionally), and what both of you think this might turn into. It’s always good, especially for you guys who have been seeing each other for two years, that you check up every month or so with this same conversation to see where you guys are at (people change!). If this conversation means that you guys do not agree with certain things, you can try to work through the issues or overlook them but never stop trying to address them!
Opinion 2: What if there was someone else? Being in an open relationship is tricky, especially if both parties involved have different relationship statuses. Can you imagine what it would be like if you also had a “primary emotional companion,” just like Tony does? Maybe you would not be as emotionally invested in Tony simply because you guys would have someone else in your life that you deemed to be more important. It might be hard but think what you would be looking for if Tony was out of the picture. Is it someone cute, smart, funny, nerdy? Maybe it’s time to put yourself out there and find this person. So lets say you found this person and got the serious relationship you wanted, would you still want to have an open relationship with Tony? Ask yourself what it is that you want, maybe write down somewhere the pros and cons or simply a list of what you truly want out of the relationship. Also, if you see that you really want something serious with Tony then try speaking your mind about what you want. Keep in mind the consequences of this as well, seeing that Tony is already in a serious relationship and might simply say no.
Opinion 3: Going solo! There is nothing wrong with looking at the other end of the spectrum. How about going solo? If you did a pros and cons list, you might find there are more things you are doubtful about or not happy with in the open relationship with Tony. If so then going solo might be a good call. It might be hard to detach yourself from someone you have cared for and loved for such a long time but it might be best for you to think about it. What would going solo mean for you? Would it mean more freedom? Do you need time to remember what it is like to be emotionally dependent? Would this make you feel bad or could it help you be more independent in future relationships? You have to keep in mind that going solo might hurt Tony. On the other hand, he could also be completely indifferent. Regardless, it would be a journey for you to find another serious relationship, enjoy single life, or simply live life as it comes to you.