CALLING ALL SINGLE LADIES: Look around. There are so many couples on this campus, and here we are, single and oh-so-ready to mingle. So in case you’re having a little trouble getting your crush to like you back, here are some surefire tips to get you that boyfriend in no time.
Step One: Talk to him.
You gotta get to know the guy. Find out his likes, his dislikes, his passions, his class schedule, his favorite color, his hobbies, his favorite sports teams. Talk to him, and get.to.know.everything.
Step Two: Stop talking to him.
Just like girls like a “dark and mysterious” man, men like a “dark and mysterious” woman. Since we’re assuming you’ve already done step one, then you’re ready for step two. You’ll be BFF’s for life, and then suddenly—boom—you’re gone in a flash, and he’s lost like a tiny baby lost in the wilderness for 13 days.
Step Three: Stare at him.
Whenever you see him, stare him down. Look into his beautiful, gorgeous, handsome eyes and let him know subconsciously that You.Want.Him. He must be yours. There’s no better way to tell your crush you like him than without telling him you like him. Remember mystery is key.
Step Four: Follow him around.
Does he study in the red section of the library? Go there. Does he get to improv around 10:30pm? Arrive then. Does he walk to lab at 8am, Tuesday morning? Follow him.
Step Five: Befriend ALL of his friends.
You really get to know a person when you get to know their friends. Ask them if he’s single, if he’s interested (in you of course), and talk about nothing else than your crush. He MUST be the subject of every conversation you hold with his friends. Will this give you away? No. No it will not. It’s their friend, right? They shouldn’t be suspicious of you talking about him every second of every day, especially since you’ve followed step one and you’re already good friends.
Step Six: Find out his class schedule.
Figure out his class schedule. Just ask his friends, or his roommates, or anyone—they’ll know! Now, SWITCH TO HIS CLASSES. Oh…he’s a biology major and you’re English? Guess it’s time to change majors. True love has no boundaries.
Step Seven: Research all of his interests.
You know everything about him, now research it. Look up his favorite band and memorize all their song lyrics. Who cares about that anatomy practical or research project due next week, this is more important.
Step Eight: Stalk him online.
Okay, the word “stalking” has a bad connotation. When I say “stalk him” I mean follow closely using the Internet. This may feel a little wrong to you at first, but don’t worry, that’s normal. Just think, he has an Instagram. He probably already wants you since you’ve followed steps one through eight, so he’s practically BEGGING you to stalk him. Plus, when you find a picture online you really like, you can print it out and put it on your wall.
Step Nine: Body slam him…casually, of course.
Nothing gets a guy going like a good HULK SMASH! So don’t be afraid to SLAM YOURSELF UP AGAINST HIM on your way to class. But don’t forget to say sorry.
And if that last step doesn’t get the guys running in your direction, I don’t know what will. So good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.