Having a guard up to protect yourself from emotional attachments is not uncommon. Everyone does it on some level as a means of survival to make sure we don’t get hurt.
I know you might be comfortable being closed off, but I just want to remind you that feeling pain, being heartbroken, or crying is not a sign of weakness. It means you are strong. I know this perspective is hard to see, because you want to be strong and emotionless, but feeling lonely and sad makes the feelings of company and happiness that much better. It is okay to let people in. After all, what is the point of life if you don’t? I don’t see one. I don’t see the point of living on earth for an extremely finite amount of time and not trying to love as many people as you can and feel the love back. Letting in emotion is part of being human! I feel lucky to know heartbreak because it means I also know what it means to have my heart full of love. It is a gift to be here on this pointless rock floating in space where nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. There is no true point of life except to enjoy yourself.
It is a sign of strength to be vulnerable and open and hurt, and I am really proud of you for letting yourself feel. You have to know that your feelings are always valid, even when you feel like a fool. No one thinks you look like one, and no one thinks you’re weak. In fact, you’re stronger than you think. I know if someone gets to know you and decides they don’t like you, they aren’t worth it and it is their loss. You are unapologetically you, and you are an amazing person.
I don’t want you to change who are, but I want you to keep in mind that it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life without closing people off. It is hard to be open but you have already made great strides towards that and I am so proud of you.