I would not wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy.
No one deserves to feel that way.
I grew up hating my body. Every extra pound, every bulge of skin. I hated it all. I was never happy with it. And that’s when it started.
I wasn’t happy so I took matters into my own hands. I limited my calories, eating less than 500 calories on most days, and worked out excessively. I thought that the skinnier I got the better I would feel.
But my body didn’t like what I was doing to it. It shut down. It retained any calories I gave it because it was scared it wouldn’t get any to survive in the near future. I didn’t really lose weight. I didn’t reach my “goal” of being 4’11” and 100 pounds. I still wasn’t happy.
I realized later on what I was doing and with the help from those around me I’ve been on a healthier and more successful track. However, it’s still something I deal with every day. I have to make sure I do not obsess over how many calories I eat. I have to not demean myself for not going to the gym every chance I get. I have to not hate myself for not being perfect. And, that’s hard.
No, I’m nowhere near where I want to be physically but I’m working on it in the healthiest way possible. It’s not just for me though, it’s also for the people around me. I don’t want my friends or family to have to worry any more. I don’t want people to have to remind me to eat a meal. I don’t want people to worry.
That’s why I would not wish an eating disorder on anyone.
No one deserves to hate themselves and their one body. No one deserves to feel numb to the pain of the world while fighting an internal fight that no one really sees.
No one deserves to lose the people they love in their life because they’re obsessing over something that is internal and unseen. No one deserves to be alone in the fight.
No one deserves to think of food as a weapon of mass destruction. No one deserves to think they have to go to the gym, as if required by law, because they ate too much at lunch.
No one deserves to look in the mirror and sob. No one deserves to look in the mirror and poke and prod themselves until every little detail is perfect.
I would not wish an eating disorder on anyone, not even my worst enemy, because without help it’s death sentence.
And, no one deserves that.