Mutual unpreparedness can bond college students in a way that is often astounding to non-college students. There are few better feelings than when you tell your “class friend” that you haven’t started your paper yet, and she responds by breathing a sigh of relief and telling you that she also hasn’t started the paper. Validation can quell almost any uneasiness: from an unfinished paper, to uncertainty as to if it’s lame to still sleep with a special blanket or stuffed animal even though you’re in college (spoiler alert: it’s totally okay).
Over the last four years, I have learned some valuable lessons about what is okay, and what is not okay to do in college. Here’s hoping that by sharing my experiences and giving you some advice, you will feel validated and less uneasy about this whole “college” thing.
1. It is okay not to be involved in everything.
Starting with Block Party during Welcome Week, when the acronyms in your Instagram bio accrue and involvement portion of your resume begins to grow, an unspoken desperation to be the biggest fish in the small pond that is Butler University spreads like mumps did a few years ago. This desperation causes some students to feel as if the only way to have a good college experience is to simultaneously be on SGA, BUDM, go on every alternative break, be the president of your sorority, be in engineering club even if you’re a chemistry major, and be on the Dean’s List. This mentality can be very toxic, and can hurt you in the long run.
It is important to know your limits and your capabilities, and not to compare your capabilities to others. Some people are made to be extremely involved, and that is what works for them, and that is absolutely okay! Do not overburden yourself out of a feeling of inadequacy if you are not that type of person (which the majority of people are not). While it is important to be involved in extracurriculars that you’re passionate about, it is better to be in a few organizations that you love and give 100% of yourself to than to be in five organizations that you can only give 20% of yourself to. I learned this the hard way.
During my sophomore year of college, I packed my schedule so full of extracurriculars that I didn’t have time to realize how miserable I was. I tried to become one of those people who are overly involved, believing that involvement would make me feel happy and fulfilled. In actuality, I was too busy burying myself in involvement in five organizations, a part time job, and 18 credit hours to deal with the problems that I had in my life. Looking back, I realize that at the time I felt unfulfilled by the unhealthy relationship that I was in, and that I felt inadequate compared to my sorority sisters. During this time, I replaced self care with involvement, and it bit me in the ass when I received my grades for the semester. Because of my incessant involvement, I almost failed out of the university that I loved. Because of buying into the idea that I was only validated by my involvement, I lost control of my life and my grades and had to quit a few of the groups I was involved in. In the long run, it cost me more to be over-involved than it ever would have just to face the difficulties that I was ignoring.
You are not defined by what you are a part of in college. You are not defined by your positions in organizations, what sorority you’re in, or how many hours you didn’t sleep last night because you were working on a million projects at once. You are worth so much more than these superficial parts of your life. Dedicate yourself to something you’re passionate about, and know that it is okay to let some things go if you’re feeling overwhelmed. The world will keep turning, and your real friends will still love you. So will I, for the record.
2. It is okay not to go to every party.
There’s an interesting phenomenon when it comes to college parties. I, personally, call it the Snapchat Effect.
The Snapchat Effect is when you choose to stay home on a weekend night while the rest of your friends go out to a party. During the evening festivities, they send you a Snapchat of them laughing while clutching red Solo cups and dancing. When you open that Snap, your stomach drops to the ground and overwhelming FOMO immediately takes over. Suddenly, you regret staying in to work on your midterm paper that is due at 10am tomorrow morning. FOMO has convinced you that the party that they are attending is the most fun frat party that has ever been thrown in the history of Butler University.
Here’s the reality: FOMO is wrong. You are not missing much.
It took me three years of going to every single frat party, where I spent the majority of the time trying to prove to myself that I was enjoying myself, to realize that I was doing the same thing every weekend, and never truly having a good time. I spent countless Friday nights on a sticky dance floor trying to convince myself that I like keg beer and crappy mixed drinks. Trying to ignore my insecurities. Trying to drown the rejection that I felt when I never caught the eye of whichever random fraternity guy that I had a crush on at the time in shots. Trying not to think about the class I was struggling in. Trying to get drunk enough to actually “enjoy” myself, but not too drunk because I didn’t want to lose control. Trying to keep awareness of my surroundings in case I have to run home because the police had arrived to break up the party. I never did manage to do any of these things, and I usually ended up with a hangover.
Don’t get me wrong, parties can be really fun. There is a certain type of fun that you can only experience when you are dancing with your friends and flirting with that cute boy from your seminar class while dressed in all camo and black to fit the Army Chicks and Seal Team 6 theme. This kind of fun is truly a blast and a half, in moderation. If you’ve been considering breaking out of your shell and going to a party, I would absolutely recommend going to one and making a real effort to enjoy yourself, even if you don’t drink alcohol. I promise you, no one will even blink an eye as they pour you orange juice without cheap vodka in it.
But do not romanticize college parties. Do not panic if you feel the need to stay in and work on homework, or watch Netflix, or just simply get a good night’s sleep. It is okay to stay in. It is okay not to go to every single party. You are too important to sacrifice your mental and physical health for a Thursday night rager.
3. It is okay to ask for help.
There is a reason that I left this statement for last: I’m still working on remembering that it is okay to need help. I am notoriously bad at asking for help, much to the annoyance of my family and friends. I would much rather deal with something on my own than ask for help from others, and this has gotten me into some very sticky situations. So trust me when I say that although I’m not the best example of asking for help when you need it, I’m sometimes the best example of what can happen if you don’t ask for help.
During your college years, you might be experiencing your first taste of independence. At times, being independent can feel amazing. It can make you feel as if you are unstoppable, unconquerable. It might even trick you into thinking that because you’re an independent woman who has access to your friend Emma’s car, going to Marsh and buying – and eating – an entire chocolate cake is a good idea. Believe me, this is not a good idea. About halfway through that Marsh chocolate cake, you realize that your body was not made to hold a whole cake. About three-quarters of the way into that cake, you realize that no one should ever eat a whole chocolate cake and that’s why your mom always told you not to do exactly what you just did. By the time you somehow manage to finish that cake, both you and Emma agree that this was an awful idea and you should have just stayed in her dorm watching musicals.
The chocolate cake debacle is a classic example of an instance where just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should do something. This principle applies to doing everything alone and not asking for help. Yes, you might be able to figure out how to get home without asking your mom for gas money (again), but you will then be stranded in your hometown with no money, no gas, and no underwear because you forgot to pack some. Yes, you might be able to handle your anxiety disorder by meditating and hitting your roommates CBD pen when she lets you and only crying when you’re in the shower so no one knows. But when you’re in the middle of a panic attack in your French class because you didn’t listen to your friend and go to the free counseling on campus, you’ll regret not talking to someone earlier.
Part of independence is knowing when you need to lean on others and ask for help. A truly healthy independent adult knows that just because you can do things alone doesn’t mean that you should do things alone, or that you have to. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Be thankful that in your life there are people and resources that can help you. Lean on them when times get hard, because they will get hard. You are not alone in this big scary world.
So, in case no one has told you this lately: your struggles are valid. That you can do this. That no matter what you’re feeling, you can survive and even thrive. You’re gonna be okay, I promise.