Before I start, I’d like to say that this should be thought of as a letter to oneself or a conversation with a friend. This piece focuses on the main theme of healing. Healing is not linear. It is individualized, and everyone has their own process.
I would be lying if I said that I was an expert when it comes to dating, but I have learned (and am still learning) some of the nuances of moving on after the end of a relationship.
Everyone is going to approach this in a different way, and there is no “one size fits all” way to get over a relationship. If it were that easy, then there likely wouldn’t be a need for articles, blogs, movies, and other forms of media to address the rollercoaster of emotions encapsulated in a breakup.
Even for one individual, each heartbreak that they experience may call for different ways to go about the healing process. There are going to be ups and downs. There are going to be days when you question if you made a mistake. If you tried hard enough to make the relationship work. If you were too insecure, “difficult,” or dramatic.
But you were and are worth it all. Even on your worst days, you are worth it.
There’s a saying that I love, it says that every day you should make someone smile, but you should never forget that you are somebody too. It can feel easy in some situations to give and give and give to another person all in the name of love. But if you are giving so much of yourself away then how will there be anything left for you?
There is a metaphor that I use time and time again because it is one of my favorites… think of what flight attendants tell you when you are on a plane. You have to put on your oxygen mask before helping your neighbor. In any kind of a relationship (romantic or otherwise), you need to remember to give yourself the world too. You can’t compromise all of your own happiness for another person.
I was a bit of an expert at the whole “looking at life through rose colored glasses” thing. Unfortunately, life is not some ’80s rom-com… I know, I was disappointed too. But just because we aren’t living in a John Hughes movie doesn’t mean that it’s all bad.
Honestly? I think that some instances of broken hearts can be a blessing in disguise. That moment of clarity, where the veil is lifted and you see everything for what it is.
When the rose tinted glasses finally change colors, you can learn a lot more about yourself, about those who support you, and about what you like and dislike in a relationship.
I have been extremely lucky to have a number of people in my life who have shown up for me time and time again. Those who, even when I used to blast “Liability” by Lorde, would be there for me. Through old connections and new, I have found people who leave me feeling better each time that I see them. That’s an important thing to look for in friendships, romantic relationships, and other kinds of connections… find the energy-givers in your life.
Let’s talk about the value of figuring out your worth. Whether due to a fight, disagreement, or some other scenario, sometimes words are just as impactful as action, leaving people to feel hurt or alone. Something that I never asked myself before was why I would take those hurtful words to heart so much.
I don’t know a single person that doesn’t have at least one thing, however minute, that they are insecure about. But, no one can define your worth except for you. No person that you love should ever treat you in a way that doesn’t respect your worth or boundaries. If you have ever been in a position where your self-confidence or sense of worth was shaken because of something that was said to you, it’s okay for it to hurt. You weren’t overreacting, and it will feel better, I promise.
To add a caveat, not all breakups are bad. You could have been with one of the best people, and it just wasn’t working or wasn’t right for you. And that’s okay too. Even in those cases, it’s still okay to feel everything on the spectrum of emotions.
Now whether you are “happy, free, confused [or] lonely at the same time” (Taylor Swift reference!), I hope you know that you can give yourself the grace to feel every last one of those feelings and to take all of the time you need in order to do that.
It’s okay to be reeling or angry, it’s okay to feel the need to grieve, it’s okay to just feel okay. There’s no right answer here.
I have written and rewritten this article so many times over the last several months that I lost count of the drafts. What I realized is that it’s okay to never have that final draft. That end-all-be-all advice that is the light at the end of the tunnel. Just as our emotions and experiences are constantly changing in the aftermath of a breakup, our advice can too. We’re all just trying to figure it out as we go, and that’s more than okay.
So, where am I now? Not every day is perfect, and I still remember the times when I felt alone or how my feelings were hurt, but I am and will be okay. And so will you. I have learned more in the last couple of years about the value of building up your confidence and self-worth than I ever have. It has translated over to so many aspects of my life from relationships, to school, to embracing my acne. Each day is a work in progress, but I like who I’m becoming.
I’ll leave you with this quote, which I hope that you can carry with you beyond this broken heart. Alex Banayan said “When I interviewed Maya Angelou, she told me to write this sentence on my notepad and to never forget it. ‘Every storm runs out of rain.’ I still think of that line to this day.”
I hope that your storm comes to an end soon too. I promise that brighter days are ahead.