Swipe Right for Cows: Dating Apps in Rural Pennsylvania

Whether you reply to a generic “you have the most beautiful eyes,” or something more raunchy like “am I a deer? Because I wanna stare at your headlights,” I think us college women can all agree that dating app pickup lines have room for improvement. So when I downloaded Tinder — purely for research purposes, of course — I set out to document the wildlife of the area’s latest singles and poke holes in their facades. My goal? To identify the key problem areas where college boys should focus their attention. Because if they spent as much time on their profiles as they do posing with dead animals, I’m convinced half of them would already be married.

To aid in my research, I consulted with experts on the topic, other Bucknell women who are appalled and nauseated by the state of our dating pool. 

Common complaints (crash and burns from mens’ profiles that we all hate)

Holding up a dead fish has the same effect as holding up a massive red flag. Pictures serve to establish men’s credibility as attractive and to give us a taste of their interests… not to have us wondering who has better kissing lips—him or the flounder. All these pictures are doing is reminding us that there are other fish in the sea. 

Likewise, every picture should not be of men posing in the sea. One shirtless picture is tasteful, ten is slutty. I can safely say most girls would much rather see a picture of a guy and his mom at dinner than be able to tell that he has a happy trail after two swipes. 

Music is another weak spot for the gentlemen. Putting a song by Kanye West or P Diddy in their profile is not it. Guys, you’re better off picking something vaguely androgynous that girls actually know—just make sure you can mumble the lyrics when we inevitably make you sing it.

We are begging for men to put a little bit of effort into their profiles. If your bio is blank, I assume your fridge is too.

What not to say (ever!)

• “My friend made my profile.” Sure, and your mom still does your laundry “as a favor.”
• “You’re taking too long” (in any context by the way.)
• “You look different in person.” Yeah, about 3 inches shorter? I was thinking the same thing. 
• “Not to be political, but…” (always followed by something political and horrifying).
• “I’ll pick the song.” And then it’s just 2 nonstop hours of Kenney Chesney’s She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy (sadly this one is real and happened to me.)

What dating apps can do to help… other things that would be useful to know

• Men should be forced to list their political affiliation right under their height. Spare us the three-week talking stage only to find out they think climate change is “a hoax” or that “January 6th wasn’t that bad.”

Tell us if they:

• Own more flags than books
• Have called someone a ‘snowflake’ unironically
• Say ‘I don’t do politics’ but have an American flag or suspicious red hat in every photo

Dating apps already show if someone wants kids or a dog; it’s time they also show if he thinks women deserve rights. 

• Add compatibility filters that matter. Forget star signs and love languages. Let us filter by “uses Dove versus Axe deodorant” or “recycles.” 
• Cleanliness is a synonym for hotness. Before swiping right, every guy should have to present a short personal statement about his relationship with hygiene. Not just “I shower daily,” but “Here’s how often I wash my sheets, cut my nails, and vacuum my car.” If your room smells like Michelob and regret, that’s not “minimalist,” it’s a cry for help. 
• Stop rewarding mediocrity. No one should get unlimited matches for posting a gym mirror selfie. The algorithm should reward effort — like full sentences and correct spelling. Chivalry is so dead.

What I learned

After many hours of diligent research and near-traumatic scrolling, I can attest that 90% of the profiles are, frankly, horrific. However, with a few tweaks here and there, a profile can go from a 1 to a 10 faster than you can say “add a dog photo.” As for the women of Bucknell, we remain hopeful that men will step up their game—and until then, you’ll be hearing from me soon.