My best friend has a boyfriend who gets annoyed or frustrated whenever she asks hypothetical questions, and it made me realize how many boyfriends don’t understand why their partners ask them (or simply don’t want to engage with) these questions.
Of course, it’s typical that hypothetical questions may make people nervous or uncomfortable because they don’t want to give an unsatisfactory answer and elicit an unfavorable reaction from their partners. I’d say, however, that it’s healthy to answer these questions.
Curiosity keeps the spark alive because, in a relationship, you’re never going to know your partner 100%, just like you’ll never fully know yourself 100%. There’s always more to uncover, and that’s what keeps a relationship from becoming stagnant.
The last thing my ex and I talked about before ending things was “the trolley problem.”
The trolley problem is a thought experiment about ethics. It questions whether or not to sacrifice one person to save five. If that seems straightforward, the catch is that the one individual is someone you personally know, while the multiple people are strangers.
This question was developed by Philippa Foot in a paper on the Doctrine of Double Effect, citing that if a pregnant woman’s life is in danger, why are procedures that unintentionally end the fetus’s life allowed, while actions that directly aim to kill it are not? This runs in parallel to the trolley problem scenario, asking whether you would let your wife give birth even if doing so guaranteed she would not survive.
So, I posed my own hypothetical: If I were carrying five babies and could only save them by sacrificing myself, who would you save? He said he would choose the five babies because those are five human lives.
Then I asked the same question but replaced myself with a different mother: If Jane Goodall were carrying five babies, then who would you save? He chose Jane Goodall, arguing that her knowledge and contributions to research would benefit the greater good beyond the five babies.
As someone who is dating to marry, hearing his answers left me both relieved and disappointed; disappointed because I wanted it to be him, but relieved to realize he wasn’t the right person for me to end up with.
I admit: I kind of understand where he is coming from in a utilitarian and objective standpoint, but it saddens me that his objective choice aligns with his subjective choice. Personally, his answer is something I do not want to hear when considering my future spouse. Not everything in the world has to have an economic value, which is why I can choose love.
With his answer, I felt reduced to the role of a wife whose only purpose was to meet her husband’s needs, serving as a disposable incubator. The biggest gut punch was the realization that he saw me for who I am (and what I am to him) rather than for my potential.
I have no regrets about asking that question, and I’m even more grateful that he was honest about his answer. It made my decision to end things much easier.
Based on the anecdote above, you might be frightened to ask or answer questions, but it’s better to know each other’s values now than later down the line. You might even end up loving them more. Who knows?
If you’re wondering why your partner asks hypothetical questions, it’s to assess where one stands on certain issues, evaluate the significance of the individual to the partner, and determine compatibility. Sometimes, those hypothetical questions are a way of asking for reassurance or providing a chance for redemption. Most of the time, though, your partner simply wants to have a conversation with you, and that is completely fine.
If you’re a receiver of these questions, please welcome them, as they will lead to further understanding of your partner’s mind, through disagreements or agreements. If you’re a giver of these questions and you want more ways to spark conversations, a fun way is going through r/AITA posts on Reddit to discuss stances on each other’s standpoints.
Asking these questions isn’t about testing the relationship; it’s about giving it room to grow.
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