Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and, somehow, your relationship just ended. You had expectations, plans, and a picture in your head of how things were supposed to go. Now, you’re probably sitting with grief, disappointment, anger, confusion, or all of the above.
Where do you channel those emotions? What do you do? I’ve got you covered.
Do not do something you won’t be proud of.
First of all, do not take actions stemming from revenge or impatience; they won’t give you the closure you need. Give yourself time to feel and heal.
Healing is a process of reclaiming the peace you’ve lost. Jumping into a new relationship or entertaining people in your DMs may give you temporary relief (or a reminder that you’re still wanted). But if it turns into something real, you risk hurting someone who didn’t sign up to be your rebound. Wait to explore love again until you’re grounded in yourself. The worst thing is having someone fall for a version of you that isn’t actually you.
Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote, “How much more harmful are the consequences of anger and grief than the circumstances that aroused them in us!”
So don’t organize a smear campaign or write an exposé. That only keeps you tied to your ex, pouring time and energy into someone you should be trying to detach from.
Even the actions you think don’t matter because “no one’s gonna know” will hinder your recovery. They are still harmful to you. Looking back at old photos, keeping memorabilia in sight, checking their Instagram account late at night, and keeping in contact with them will only set you back.
Practice positive self-talk.
Recently, I reached out to a past situationship I had a bad fallout with, and, coincidentally, she’s going through her own breakup.
She told me something along the lines of: “I had no regrets loving. You can act out in anger and say hurtful stuff, but what good is that going to do? It’s just going to make you have regrets. Giving love is something I won’t ever regret.”
Our conversation helped me understand why things didn’t work out between us. Most ordeals could be avoided with proper communication and a healthy headspace. When we first met, neither of us was in a place of physical or mental stability. We were unprepared for love, not only for others, but for ourselves. That’s why we were both willing to abandon self-reflection in exchange for receiving love that wasn’t guaranteed.
Revisiting the connection we once had allowed us to talk about our personal growth and realizations during and after our relationships.
No one owes you love, and you don’t owe love to anyone. Love isn’t something generated on command, and it’s definitely not something that can be forced.
It’s easy to cope by saying, “he didn’t love me because he saw me as someone I wasn’t. I became desperate, and it was his fault for pushing me there.” But that mindset only protects your ego. If you felt this way, the real problem didn’t lie in the relationship between you and your ex; it was within you and your relationship with yourself.
Reconnect with your values.
Losing faith in your own womanhood and turning your back on the independence you developed in your stages of singledom is the scariest thing you can do to yourself in a relationship. Whether it was during your “man-hater” era or “lover-girl” era, you still had standards for yourself and others.
If you were ambitious in high school, be even more ambitious in college. Someone out there will see who you truly are and love you in the way you deserve, as long as you allow that version of yourself to shine.
So what’s next?
If life starts improving after the breakup, that’s the law of equivalent exchange working in your favor. If you still feel stuck, then you probably haven’t accepted the idea of letting go yet.
If you’re still holding onto hope and haven’t cut off contact, no one can force you to move faster. Don’t shame yourself for waiting. Even if you later realize it was the wrong choice, maybe regret is needed for things to move forward, but time will pass anyway.
So go listen to “Silver Springs” by Fleetwood Mac and “I Know It’s Over” by The Smiths, or something upbeat like “Stars Are Blind” by Paris Hilton, or anything from Sabrina Carpenter’s discography.
Go to therapy, apply for OPPORTUNITIES, and get your life together. The right one will find you when you find yourself.
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