This past year, I’ve been lucky enough to experience love and to lose it as well. With these two completely opposite experiences, I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships in general. For those of you on the fence about fully investing yourself in relationships or deciding if you want to be single for a bit, I hope I can share some clarity on the subject through my own experiences.
The feeling of love and being loved lives up to the hype it gets in the media and arts — a fact that the single, no-love-life version of me hated to admit. I never understood this until entering a relationship, but the love songs I obsessively listened to (and used to manifest…) sonically and lyrically depict the essence of love. I’m one of the lucky ones who has experienced the young love cliches — stargazing at midnight, sneaking glances in a crowded room, and the anxious build-up to the first “I love you.” And in every moment, the warm feelings and comfort I felt were synonymous with the feelings that these love songs described. Simply put, to be in love is a wonderful and sometimes indescribable experience.
In a practical manner, being in a relationship guarantees (at least it should guarantee) a loyal partner by your side. At the beginning of college, I felt incredibly lonely and isolated on my new campus. Many nights, I reached out to my partner to share these anxious and lonely feelings and was immediately met with comforting words and a (virtual) shoulder to cry on (long-distance couples get it). On the opposite end of it, when all the happy and exciting moments come your way, your gut reaction is to share the news with your partner. Being able to share both the highs and lows of your daily life with another person who supports and loves you creates an incredible bond between you and them, and allows you to breathe a bit easier knowing that someone will always be there for you.
Another aspect of being in a relationship that many people gloss over is the fulfilling experience of romantically loving another person. You’re able to support and love them through the tough moments in their life in return. It’s delightful seeing your partner achieve the goals they worked so hard for, and grow into the person they’ve dreamed of being, especially if the relationship started as two strangers becoming each other’s best friends. To find beauty within their flaws and brainstorming ways of brightening their day, all because you love them, is something people can overlook when thinking about the positives of a relationship.
With all the lovely aspects of a relationship, there inevitably are downsides, as well. When you love someone, you depend on them for support and love when your self-love runs low — and when they can’t supply that, especially in situations like long-distance relationships or during off days of their own, you can find yourself feeling frustrated, sad, and even resentful. And realistically, relationships take a lot of work. Integrating another person and their lifestyle into your own can cause energy-draining arguments. With a hectic schedule and adapting to a new place, making time for a relationship can be difficult (especially one that’s just beginning or with long-distance relationships).
Earlier, I mentioned that losing this love was something I was lucky enough to experience. There’s a lot of philosophical and healing reasons behind this — mostly revolving around how I was lucky enough to experience something so lovely in the first place — but truly, leaving a committed relationship allowed me to experience the two binaries of the typical love life. After an extended period of mourning the loss of a relationship and losing someone who is still alive, I entered a period of healing and clarity.
After detaching myself from a person I so deeply rooted myself in, I gained a sense of independence. While I usually celebrated my happy moments with another person, now I pat myself on the back and am silently proud of my hard work. With difficult moments, I rely on myself for support and confidence, rather than relying on another person. Instead of going on the typical Hallmark movie date with someone else, I take myself on solo dates. I’ve found comfort being by myself, whether that be treating myself by going to a coffee shop or having a relaxing night in where I can focus on doing things I love.
I experienced a lot of self-discovery, which was an unexpected outcome of being single after being in a committed relationship. I’m able to focus on myself and achieve my own, non-romantic goals — striving for academic success, going to the gym more often, pouring my extra love into myself and my friends, and finding beauty in the mundane. I’ve learned a lot about myself, including what I personally enjoy and find fulfillment doing, alongside what qualities I want to work on. I’ve also gained lots of clarity about love as well: about what qualities I value in a relationship and a better understanding about love itself.
With the amount of time that opened up when I became single, I was able to focus not only on myself but on other areas of my life. Instead of planning elaborate dates with my partner, I spend that time calling my family back home. I find ways to brighten up my friend’s day, but most importantly, I find ways to make myself happier. Now, it’s easier to see different types of love in my life, such as a quick smile in the mirror, a simple movie night with friends, or people-watching and seeing the amount of love that exists in the world that I hadn’t noticed before.
As a hopeless romantic, I find it so out-of-character for me to reflect on the romantic love I’ve experienced and deem it as “just love.” That’s truly all it was. To love someone and be loved in return is a strong emotion, but at the same time, it’s just one emotion out of the wide spectrum of emotions that humans can experience. I’ve learned that revolving my life around and obsessing over one specific type of love prevents me from fully experiencing all the other types of love in my life — all of which I’m so incredibly lucky to have.
All in all, I’m so incredibly lucky to experience love and understand the love songs I listen to. On the other hand, the self discovery I’ve Achieved through being single is an experience a song cannot quite encapsulate. Living without romantic love and focusing on love in other areas around you is a beautiful way to live, and in all honesty, iT’s one of my favorite ways to live.
Want to keep up with HCBU? Make sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Instagram, check out our Pinterest board, and read our latest Tweets!!